Gothic Lolita Diary

MOVING

2007-02-13T19:48:00.000+09:00

moving to LJ. im tamad eh.

http://kanae-harlenn.livejournal.coem

see ya.

Kanae

2007-02-11T01:00:00.000+09:00

its over.
+
Kanae.

ZOMG.

2007-02-03T02:52:00.000+09:00

Yes, Chicosci concert hangover in progress.
Dying of absolute insanity and kilig-ness(?)
Why? Because Miggy Chavez, lead singer, was about two feet away from me in all his gothic-looking glory. Surrounded by multi-colored lights, he could have passed as an angel fallen from heaven, or a demon climbing up from hell. A really hot-looking demon, at that.
It took forever for their turn to come, but it paid off. Six songs, and an absolutely charming Chicosci. It was funny since we were all in chairs until the band that performed before them. Me, being as impatient as I am, paid no heed to them... I heard them on the radio once but since the guy kept screaming and acting like he was being paralyzed, I tuned out and started praying for Chicosci. It was 11, and I had to go home, dammit! And suddenly, the emcee announces who is up next, and I go straight to the front of the line and straight onto heaven...
There was a total of seven bands. I watched six, the last of whom being Chicosci. They were all I was waiting for. I would have stayed to watch Urbandub, however, time was pressing and I neaded to leave. The band were Papi *something* (I dont know them-- seniors band), Kim Flores (pride and glory of SISC), OneInCH (Christian rock band from ENY-- they were good), MYMP, Kinky Hooters, *the band I didn't like too much*, Chicosci and Urbandub.Now, me being my usual weird self, I do not remember much of the previous performances. All I remember is Kim Flores singing a Beyoncee Knowles song ("to the left, to the left..."?), the Seniors band being... mmm lets not go there, OneInCH and Michael, MYMP's Tell Me Where It Hurts, Kinky Hooters being cool and everything about Chicosci. :D and now I will talk about... Chicosci.
In a fangirly, dreamy way which so uncharacteristically not me, but I don't really care. Miggy Chavez <3
So first of all, I nearly get killed by Jessica Ryon, who is moshing next to me. I tell her, laughing, to keep the remnants of her sanity. The band comes on stage, we all scream. Miggy Chavez comes out, and it's all like a dream.
He says hello, we scream.
Jessica screams "I LOVE YOU MIGGY!!" and he replies with a sly smile and a "I love you too. haha"XDD
Their first song is from their Icarus album, Theme From Conversations With Fire.
I sing my heart out. Jessica looks at me like I'm insane for knowing the damn song.
He talks a bit, and that's where my heaven starts.
I'm standing there, with my cellphone, snapping pictures.
Me: "Miggy, you're awesome."
He smiles, goes on talking. Doubt he heard me over Jessica's "I LOVE YOU!!!"
Miggy: "Who here has our newest album?"
Me: *raises hand* "I do! I've got three of your albums, actually" X3
Miggy: *points at me* You do? Great, love you then! By the way, I love your outfit." *smiles*
Me: "Why, thank you Miggy. *smiles*
Jessica: "sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!"

And then, as he sings Paris, he comes down from the stage, and I grab hold of his hand.
He goes around, then comes back, stepping under the railing right next to me. Me, being the idiot I am... I hug him.
OMG I JUST HUGGED MIGGY CHAVEZ!!! *screams*

yes, insane.I am proud to say that I memorised every song that they sang.

Theme from Conversations with Fire- Icarus album
the devil made me do it.- Chicosci
seven black roses- Chicosci
A Promise- Chicosci
Paris- Methods of Breathing

If I could request a song, I would ask for either Rolento (Methods of Breathing), Chicosci Vampire Social Club, Sweet Maria, Matinee, Knives or Last Look (all from Chicosci). Those are my favorites. All of the songs in their latest album are wonderful.

Miggy: "Here is a song to all the Miggy-lovers out there." *laughs hard*
me: "hell yeah, love you Miggy!!"
Luke: "JO!!"
Me: "You know we love you Miggy. You're loved. <3"

When I hugged him, shit.
*OMG IM HUGGING MIGGY CHAVEZ!!!!!*
Just touching his arm made me go insane.
Yes, I am a huge fangirl of Miggy.

Miggy: "If you have a myspace, add us up at www.myspace.com/chicoscikills."
Jessica: "They have a myspace? Ano yung address ulit??"
Me: www.myspace.com/chicoscikills. Meron rin silang friendster at yahoogroup.
Jessica: "Oh my God, insane. Obssessed ka nanaman!"
Me: "Jess, crush ko yang si Miggy 2 taon na. Nuon pa akong obssessed" *laughs*
Jessica: "tanginang fangirl!"

Me: "Hey Miggy, can I talk to you after the concert?"
Miggy: "Hm, who said that? Who wants to talk to me?"
Me: *raises hand* "I've got something to tell you."
Miggy: *smiles*

*before A Promise*
Miggy: "This goes out to all our vampires out there!"
Me: "honorably your vampire, Mr. Chavez."
Jessica: "WTF?"

Ahh good times.

Well, I do go insane in his presence. Surprisingly, I didn't feel starstruck. I dunno, I felt normal, almost. Except for the fact it's a guy I've had a crush on for two years... or more. Since the Good Charlotte concert back in Third Year. That was the first time I saw Chicosci perform. I loved them immediately. Paris.

I wasn't able to talk to him though. I gave the invitation to Rain and LA to give to the manager, though, so I hope it gets to them.I'll pm them over myspace or friendster. I put in my email address and my cell number though, just in case. Lord, pleaaase?

ZOMG. I HUGGED MIGGY CHAVEZ!!!! *dies*

I have about 7 pictures of him in my phone. All blurry, but he still looks like the gothic angel that haunts my dreams. <3

But still. Tonight was wonderful.
Thank you Chicosci and your lovely concert.
It was worth the five-hour wait.<3

Kanae

A Dying Melody

2007-02-01T00:06:00.000+09:00

Something I came up with cuz i was bored.

A Dying Melody

Pen me a melody, sing me a song
send me to a world where i truly belong
in this garden where life is sweet
fake smiles tell me that life is bleak

A sudden wish from the depths of the heart
A pale face that hides a heart that is marred
A decieving smile, sweet eyes that lie
Irresistible charm, a soft sounding sigh

Ruby lips, pearl white teeth sink
fangs of a vampire ready to drink
blood from my neck, it flows so gently
Just like a song's ever-sweet melody

An escape from reality into trance
A game of cards played off by chance
A strange dream, a heartbeat ceased
A sudden revival, a life that is leased

A masquerade, a dance of light
Balls made under the cover of night
Smiling faces, beauty unsurpassed
The faces of those with a bloodied past

Ages eternal, a walk through life
A sad existence dependent on strife
It is your blood I want, it is blood I need
An unforgiveable sin, an evil deed

O sweet melody, what an evil turn!
Thy bittersweet words makes my heart mourn
Notes that wring my heart in despair
Come ever so often: a repeating nightmare

There is no escape, what is done is done
in this waking dream i have nowhere to run
End this eternal melody, silence the words that sound
Save me from the destruction that will abound

For I am tired of living, if this is still so
All the goods and evils, I have come to know
Give me peace; lay me down to rest
Let them know that I have passed the test

A wish for death, a wish for life given
Mortality, immortality, power-driven
heed not foolish whispers of greed
Else you be bound to sinful deeds.

2007-01-29T21:50:00.000+09:00

so the weekend was good.
we had a pre-sell turned meeting about Vanitea last saturday at Megamall... i arrived two hours early o_o lol. saw kuya Fart and ate Chi and ate Shinji; they were with their group for Psicom. FF13 with a Suzumiya Haruhi twist. how interesting. XD ate shinji was dancing in the middle of the foodcourt and THAT was cute...and funny. :D peace ate shinji XD
as a result, i have a new outfit! just... what do i call it? o_O its the black counterpart of my Duchess of Hearts outfit... so is it the Duchess of Dark? o_O mm... will have to think about that one.
well, we have a presell on saturday for Vanitea, and im announcing it next Monday in the Assembly. i was supposed to do it today but apparently i have to get clearance from ms Remy first. wtf? oh well.
short day, saturday. went out with dad, anton and tita lanie.fixed stuff for PSICOM, then went to bed.
*
haha Sunday was Psicom. i woke up at 8, lazed around and fangirled over Chicosci on the telly for a bit before getting up for breakfast. by the time i had finished with my morning usuals, it was 10. the con started at 10. lol. i wasn't planning on being there early anyway; i knew most of my friends would be there past 12. so i left the house quarter to 11, got there around 12:20 or so, since i had to go back for my chocolate.mmm... Cadbury Royal Dark... :D
i was cosplaying Mello of Death Note yesterday, and got glomps from those that recognized me. o_O it was awkward, in a sense. i do NOT get glomped. ever. but oh well, whatever lol.
saw kuya Fart and ate Kachan a bit after.
also ate Chi when i arrived, but she was busy with her group so i didn't disturb her. then yun, hung around with kuya Fart and ate Kachan. got some awesome photos too XD
Pat, ate Cath and ate Lu:na arrived soon after,and we hung around, doing Vanitea and observation stuffs (translation: hung around). cosplay here is improving; saw a real awesome Sandrock model... that moved. XDDD cosplayer pala! XD lol
i enjoyed being in my costume, even if it was all synthetic leather. i must be a pretty short Mello. oh that sucks. Mello's seventeen, i doubt he's 5'1" 1/2. -____- next time i'll get taller platforms. at least im taller than Near. XDD waiiiiit--- who's taller, Matt or Mello? I think (and pray) its Matt. lol
loved the outfits. seriously. met(?) Bijan. Hazel. Ligaya. steeeeg. am honored. *bows*
speaking of which, i had a dream.
a very funny dream. it was one of those 10-minute ones... but it was soo weird i woke up laughing.
i dreamt i went to Prom. IB Prom. with someone who distinctly reminded me of Bijan, Ly and Yui mixed together. and of course, all hell breaks lose.
it was sooooooooooo funny. i woke up laughing ang laughing. i dont know why. i think it was the look of horror on Victor's face in my dream that got me laughing. so yeah.anyway, Psicom was good and Dad watched wit tita Lanie and anton.
Kuya JP was good... he sang really well... @_@ i like his voice.
went home, extreeemely tired, but extreeemely satisfied.
btw, all i had that day was the bar of chocolate. well, breakfast of spam and rice then chocolate then ramen for dinner, but yeah. extremely hyper at the end of the day. XD
*
so im supposed to be doing my TOK homework right now, but since im reaallly lazy, im procrastinating. again. sir John has not sent me back the TOK essay with comments or suggestions so i dont know what to do with it. ill work on it toward midnight, probably, then bring a computer tomorrow for all my chem labs and stuff. oh and i have to type up that stupid math project-thing. shit. ill do the rest this weekend. and Chemistry. fuck that! i hate chem.
oh, on a lighter note, i saw Gimmo today! met his friend too. JC, i think? reminded me of Krelian, just minus the huge eyes. XD i keep remembering Krelian's eyes! yea yea he was cute. Adrian Bruce was there too. haven't seen them in a while, so i spent some time with them.
seriously, JP, my hair was NEVER blonde. or GOLD. oh good Lord. saw Jireh too. he thought JC was my bf. which was weird. seriously. lol. but its okay. hahaha. i guess im seeing them this friday? they're attending the concert too yey!
which reminds me... must... talk to miggy!! wahahah!and Gimmo's band apparenlty is going to have a recording with Urbandub!! yey!! good luck to them!! dont forget us little people XD

see ya
Kanae

2007-01-25T22:27:00.000+09:00

aack!! my beautiful entry got deleted! fuck that! seriously!

ugh, so anyway.

rewrite.

well, so today started like crap. the week was crap. it's almost the end though, so it's relatively okay. tomorrow i've got two hours of class and FREEDOM!!oh gawd, SATs on Saturday. fuck. seriously! >_<

i didnt study for it, so im pretty much screwed. yey.you see, it goes like this.all the colleges i applied for didn't request for SAT scores. therefore, i decided NOT to take it. and here i am all lalalalaala no studying while my classmates are DYING of SAT reviews (and me laughing bwahahaha). and then suddenly i receive mail from the University of California saying they want my SAT scores ASAP. like, WHAAAAAAAAAT?? divine karma? yup. so yeah, im screwed. oh well.

i was gonna go... and then i realized ive studied nothing, its at 6 in the morning (my brain refuses to work before 8) and ill probably get under 1500points. so am i going to do it only to fail? uhh. no.

except application costs like... $650!? for UC?? nuuu~ *thinks*argh. i'm screwed.

but wait! i'm doing the IB! aha... :D so let's see. i'll kill myself studying, go insane, take the exams (while insane--im better that way), sober up somewhere after the exams then die out of nervousness. yup, sounds like a plan. i am so destined to fail. LOL.

i hope not. i want to get into great colleges, so yes i will screw myself over, die and come back from the dead all because of the IB. i'm 16 and im already dying. oh wow, am i pathetic or what? lol!

+

so today Anton's ass was saved and mine was fried because he forgot his ID at home. and because Brent is a nice, rich, big, fancy and strict school (iow: awesome), we had to go back home to pick it up. we were already about 5 minutes down the service road when we did a U-turn... and then wham! traffic. yahoo! his bus (which is in Alabang Hills, approximately 20 minutes from my house) leaves promptly at 7:10am. his class starts at 8:10. MINE starts at 8. it was 6:20. ohh crap, right? raiit. so we do a Uturn and speed home, breaking the speed limit in Better Living but not really caring at all. so we get it, leave in about 1 second of getting it, and speed off down the Expressway. Exit Sucat! 6:45. we're on track.

Boom.

Traffic.

ohhh shit.

we exit sucat and are headed off to the Service Road when we see suuuper traffic. like, wtf. it's 6am!! and then it turns out there was a minor car crash right at the entrance of the already super-narrow service road and causes us even more trouble. not a good start. now, we'd take the Expressway all the way through but well, one has to take the service road in order to get to Hillsborough, South Bay Gardens, Intercity Homes and the Ayala-owned villages like Pacific Malaya, Alabang 400, Kalayaan, and Alabang Hills. whopee! screwed.

so yeah, we soon get passed the minor bump that caused traffic for miles and until Alabang (the next city, mind you; about 2km away) that involved an approximately nineteen-year-old boy in his boxers (LOL) and an old geexer, we discover... more traffic! as it turns out there were some idiots trying to cut their way through the traffic. omg you idiots!! there's nothing to cut into!! what are you trying to do??? ugh, three of them. and a line. yes, Philippine driving is terrible. >_> 6:50... still stuck.

then suddenly a miracle happens. it clears up. a teeny bit. so of course we grab the opportunity and race to Alabang Hills. time? 7:10!! OMG!! we break yet another speed law. 7:11... 7:12... we enter Alabang Hills to find the bus is...

GONE.

so of course, what do we do? we go to Brent Mamplasan.
im dead.

now let me explain. Brent Mamplasan is located right before the exit of Santa Rosa, and is about 1 hour away from my house on a good day. on a normal day it takes anywhere between 1-2 hours to get there one way. my house is about 30-45 minutes away from my house, depending on the stupidity of the traffic enforcers stationed in BF homes. its about the same from Brent. it's 7:15. we missed the bus my 3 minutes. ouch.and so we take the trip to Brent, saving my brother's ass and dooming mine. we were travelling right next to the Brent Fleet. lol. i call them so because they were a bunch of Maroon-colored Buses, all with Brent School painted onto the side with their own numbers. we tried (in vain) to look for my brother's bus among the nine that travelled behind us. 100, 101, 103, 104, 114, 116, 119, 108, 107... no 102. how sad. lol. wonder where they ended up o_O

thankfully though, today was a good day and it didnt take us very long. of course i was still pretty much pissed at my brother since i was late and i would tell him to shut up if he pissed me off. thank God for iPods; mine took a lot of my anger away.

it just seriously pissed me off. i mean, it's my brother's fault that he's late; why the hell do i have to pay for it?! he got to Brent at 7:50am, thank you very much. on time and happy. i get to school at 8:20, late and pissed. haha, all because of his ID. seriously, he should have paid for it. i do not see in the logic of taking the fall for my brother's mistake.so yes, piss off.

and of course, im also bitter that i do NOT study in Brent. i seriously wished i did. my school is CRAP.
thank God Mr. Yan was nice enough not to care if i walked into his class fuming and late.

+

but other than that, the day went as usual. ugh, we've got some social climbers in school. eeewwww we're deteriorating even more. yuck, you think that by playing your stupid music at level 10 in the middle of the food court makes you cool? eww NO. lemme put some Ali Project or Malice Mizer or ChicoSci and lets see your reaction. yuck. posers feeling cool go to hell! hahaha im so mean.

We confess to the murders of a million souls
another dance in the dark where we are never alone
We confess to the murders of a million souls
another dance in the dark and we are home!
- Manila Teenage Death Squad, Chicosci

yeah, id like to see that. XD

i hate my school.

Hikaru is still so cute though. i love that boy; he amuses me to no end. i wonder if he's still in ILC. its been three years, hikaru; hope you get out of there soon. XD

+

"its so funny how we're such a small class and everyone expects us to bond and stuff, but no one knows just how much hatred goes on among us."
-Victor Tence

so true, cousin, so true.haha! tis soooo funny!

+

so i got kuya Fart to watch the Vanilla Live by Gackt. 4minutes of Yaoi fanservice: GactXMasa.
LOL, i love.

pretty much that's it.

much love,

Kanae

2007-01-16T22:26:00.000+09:00

ive been checking into schools in the UK. I really wanna go there!!!!!!
im getting so freaking depressed... i really want to go to SOAS, but its painfully expensive. i really do wish to go... please pray for me.
so many plans... will they all go to waste?

Kanae

2007-01-15T19:48:00.000+09:00

yey blogger's up now!!
i couldnt access it over the weekend, so i was so bored.
whatever.
simon tried contacting me again. i think he likes to piss me off.
well ill piss you off too bastard.
-_-.
and ive been studying. wow.
nothing much to update, i guess.
just bonding more with Victor and Hannah and Luke.
alright, see ya guys.
Ja

Kanae

Welcome to Wonderland!

2007-01-07T22:41:00.000+09:00

we had our Alice in Wonderland photoshoot today.
it was soo much fun.
met Ates Nejin, Bianca and Shinji, had a good time with Ates Kestrel, Catherine, Kachan, Chi, Lu:na and Kuya Fart, then Myk, Pat and Marie. it was soo fun.
of course, we were stared at again, but... oh well.
it was funny since i was alone walking around Luneta with a scythe and a bonnet. ate Kes had wings. Chi looked like an executioner. Ate Shinji had bunny ears while Cath had cat ears. Pat was a mad hatter. marie was a little punk boy. Myk was a king. Lu:na had a mile-long train. XD. Kachan looked like she was pulled out of the Victorian age. Kuya Fart is huge. Ate Bianca had awesome makeup. Nejin was Alice. 'nuff said.
LOL.
stranger: "miss can we have your picture for an mtv?"
us: *points at ate kes.* "ask the one with the wings." lol.
the second phase took place at home, here in South Bay.
now that was funny.
ordered Jollibee for lunch of 12 people. the people would not believe us. LOL.
lots of shots today; ate Kes took about 300+
mom watched us for a while.
the neighbors thought we were weird. LOL
all in all, it was a very interesting experience, and one i dont mind repeating.
*
also heard from Takeshi today; i miss him a lot.
good day today.

Kanae

my prom. my funeral.

2007-01-05T15:01:00.000+09:00

im almost done designing my prom dress. i slept at 5am because of it. and i wasnt even sleepy yet... o_O i have no idea why.
so yes, vampiric princess madame aristocrat style. wahaha! i wish i had a BJD already... id bring Kirill to the prom dressed as an Ouji-sama.
Khal agreed to be my prom date; now i have to design a suit for him that matches my dress. i might use the same dress for Vanitea, only with a different skirt.
the Japanese Embassy hasn't replied yet. lakarin ko nalang kaya para masmadali, ano? -.- *sigh*
~
i had a black dream last night.
if i die anytime soon, i want the following people (apart from parents and relatives) to attend my funeral. (not in order of importance)
1. Patrisha Delgado
2. Mykhos Robeniol
3. Khallaene Enriquez
4. Christian Domingo
5. JC Domingo
6. Eula Rodriguez
7. Abigail Lopez
8. Joan Castaneda
9. Celine Bautista
10. Kuya Lyron
11. Ate Catherine
12. Ate Inezia
13. Kuya Ervin
14. WTF Cosplayers
15. CosplayKada friends
16. Fuminori Iwahashi.

ha, and i want to be buried in a costume. a morbid one. or a gothic aristocrat or my favorite gothic lolita outfit. and Pat to do my burial makeup. and i want Kirill to be buried with me. or I'll give him to Pat for her to take care of. she'll adopt him nalang.
maybe that's why i was afraid to adopt Justine.
yes, thinking random, morbid thoughts but it's been bothering me. maybe it's time again? im only 16... well, 17 in three months. but they predicted i'd die at the age of 18. maybe i will... maybe i won't. i don't know.
i still have to find a real Levi Inochiyama. lol. i won't rest till i find him.
and yes, i would like for him to come to my funeral. the last time, Fumi. then i can say goodbye peacefully.

from prom to funeral.
how my thoughts rearrange themselves...

Kanae

new year, new life?

2007-01-04T20:28:00.001+09:00

so, here we are at the start of a New Year. again.
will i change? i have no idea.
am i changing? yes.
my past is coming back to haunt me; i have a bad feeling about this.
chance encounters are becoming often, prophetic dreams disturb my sleep. thoughts murmur the words i do not want to hear.
sweet dreams become nightmares; often i find myself in waking sleep. tears flow and disappear, smiles run sweetly and later die. there is something coming again; i don't know what. i cannot anticipate what i cannot see. is this my limit?
it does not feel like death; death's atmosphere is different, and i evaded him many times already. i don't know what's going to happen.
i had a talk with ate the other day.
what if it happens. what if my dream comes true. what would i do then?
i thought about it for a while.
smile, cry, laugh, weep, dance, kill.
i really have no idea.
much as i love and dream that idea to come true, i dread it also. what would i do then? i'm disturbed. i'm torn between now and the past. kenshin himura, i feel your pain.
live for ones self?
hah.
i'd like to see you try.
there will always be a part of me that dwells in my past... and the part that continues to move on into the future.
i'm sorry; i can't be perfect.

Kanae

so let's dance behind our velvet masks in this masquerade
where truth and lies entwine
stand up and dance to the music of the sweet and honeyed lies.
princess, princess do you see?
the lies that float through the sweet music and dance through the crowd.
come with me, let us slip quietly into the night that beckons,
to the quiet moon that smiles
into the eternal night which shines silver and to the distant gates of heaven,
or come with me to eternal death, into the flames of hell.
spin around just like the world
lose track of all sense and time
when the clock strikes midnight
princess you are mine.

year end and year start.

2007-01-01T18:35:00.000+09:00

Happy New Year's, everyone.
Today is January 1.
Hope we all started the year right, and ended last year with a high note.
I did.

December 30 was the anime/game community grand EB. some came in costume and it was a lot of fun! we all went ice skating.
Link (L'arc~en~Ciel) will always remind me of that day. We were ice skating when someone decided to form a train for all the cosplayers. It was led by Neil. I remember listening to the song while watching it and as we skated; it was something you'd see in a music video.
it was so funny because a number of us couldn't really skate. because of it, a lot were falling. therefore when someone fell it was a racket.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!! YOUTUBE NA TOH BOY!"
was what we would yell. we were about 60 in the rink at one point, with about 10 in costume. we even had our own Peter Pan. the kids really loved it, and people probably thought there was an event at one point. watching them made me remember why i love this community so much.
got my Mello costume made XDDDD
i think it's the best costume investment i've made yet.
hell yes, i am wearing those pants to school.
XDDDD
i saw a lot of those who i haven't seen in a while.
saw Kuya Yui, Christian, Krelian, Lyron, Ryan, the WTF, the CK... met some new members too XD
had a really great afternoon...
happy birthday, Christian. ^^

New Year was good too.
had a mini-reunion with Sims and Kimko, then with Jordan, Jeff, Louie, Jade and Abe. Surprisingly, i had a talk with Louie that wasn't brainless or stupid. in fact, it was about punk music, would you believe. he surprised me. Usually I dont talk to Louie. i am very insignificant in his life; he even forgot my name, the idiot. and yet we had a talk. and another thing is he was a hiphop frat bad boy before, now he's a punk rocker. wow, what a transformation! and i believe it was for the best.
they were all surprised by how i've changed. gone is the shy little sports girl they used to know. now i'm a skinnier, confident, annoying goth girl. as they said,
"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?"
lol.
i died, that's what. joking.
oh well, had to explain to Abe since he was in shock. I think i'm one of the only goth girls they've met, and definitely the only gothic lolita. lol.
Jeff is so tall now, and he's handsome too. he walks like a model. LOL.
it was nice spending some time with them. they were surprised i have a boyfriend. it was so funny talking to Jordan too. we ended up remembering summer four/five years ago.

Jordan: "may nangyari ba samin ni sims nun? parang wala ata eh! wala ako maalala."
Me: "ow talaga? may naalala ako eh!"
Jordan: "aba talaga? may maalala ka tungkol sakin, may naalala rin ako tunkol sayo!"
Me: "ay wala, wala pala yun. LOL."
Jordan: "sabi ko nanga ba eh XD"

he was so surprised.
oh and we were seeing the little kids and i remarked to Louie

me: "everyone's growing up na..."
louie: "oonga eh. tulad mo!"
me: "haha, finally."
jeff: "yeah lumalaki na nga, di parin tumatankad."
me: "f.u."

LOL
it really was nice talking to them.

i nearly went to war with my neighbors too. they try something funny again i will roast their asses over the oven and i mean it.
oh well. start the new year right!
...go to war next week. >:)
lol, im mean.
oh well.

Happy New Year's, everyone! hope you've got your fingers XD
May everyone have a wonderful and prosperous year.

Kanae

Merry Christmas

2006-12-26T00:14:00.000+09:00

So the last hours of Christmas are almost over, and Im still pondering over Christmas shopping.
Well, wait.
First, recap!

Yesterday:
Lazed around till around 5:30, then went to get ready for church.
got to Sun Valley at around 7:20, then went to walk to the nearby church where we spent two agonizing hours listening to the priest and his practically nonsensical homily. he dragged on and on and i wanted to shoot myself. not kidding.
got back at 9:30-ish, after running into some losers who thought they were cool. Yes, go piss on the sidewalk when there's a whole family right behind you, asshole. it's people like you who give rockers a bad name. his friend was throwing stones at him and i froze them with a Look. yes when im pissed they say i can get kinda scary. >_> good thing it worked this time. ugh, bastos talaga.
well anyway, we had our christmas Noche Buena!!! ahh the best thing about christmas is eating noche buena with your family. Me, Mom, Anton, Dad, Carmen, Lola and Michelle. fun.
Chuckie had a santa hat! cute annoying dog.

Lola: Chuckie! what can i give you?
Dad: Lead poisoning?
Me: *snicker* nice one XD

then

Lola: what do you want chuckie? chicken or ham?
Michelle: lola! no ham for him!
Dad: give him ham :D
Me: DAD! masama nga eh!

as you can see, my concern for the dog depends on my mood. usually though, i care for him. lol
oh to presents. im pretty happy.
got lotsa money, so ive got cosplay and BJD money now. yes, im going to save up for a BJD. so far i have 9k, but ill start saving at 6k. T_T mainly because i have to go christmas shopping for my friends still. I have to give kuya ly a good gift and also kuya fart, and then sina chris at jc, myk and pat also. and then there's my mello cosplay which will cost a bit too... about 2k, i expect. i expect to spend at least 1k on my friends. i won't hold back on them since they have been there for me. even little trinkets will be okay...
so yes. i gave khal's gift last 23 XD

list of stuff i got:
8k cash
blouses
accessories
IPOD VIDEO 80gig!!
cow jr. III
XD

im happy with that.
spent the day with my cousins too, lent kuya chicco the death note. hope he enjoys. have to arrange a divisoria day for my mello cosplay, as well as an ukayukay day. then i have to fix up my applications and stuff. my essays need doing too. wish me luck!
oh, had a traditional English dinner complete with the flaming Christmas Pudding. that was fun XD
Lolz.
so yes

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Kanae

2006-12-24T16:06:00.000+09:00

i want Kirill. I really hope dad will let me have one...
he's $349... O.o sooo expensive, but i know worth it...
*sigh*
Kirill!!!

oh btw,
Merry Christmas everyone.

Kanae.

random blurbs

2006-12-23T22:41:00.000+09:00

so i just got back from teh WTF Xmas Party. i was there for a bit, and i really had a lot of fun. I had a bonding session with Shorty, Twist and JC wherein we reminiscinced about High School days (God I feel old), cosplaying, Filipino Pride and other things.
Again, teh Mello remarks. I am honored. XD
Twist said i can look like him with no effort if i straighten my hair and bleach it. im seriously considering. im getting the stuff made ASAP, and i believe a trip to divisoria is due very soon. i have to buy a blonde wig and leather gloves. the gun i will borrow from my beloved. <3 wish me luck; i do want to do justice to Mello since i have been obsessing over him for the past week.
the party was fun; pity i could only stay a while. also had a talk with ate anje and observed everyone around. it was really nice and i realize again why i love this community so much.
it really helped that Khallaene was there too.
Mom freaked out because Khallaene's mom gave me a gift. I was very surprised, i must admit. i think it's very kind of her to do that; i must remember to send a thank-you note.
i hope he likes my gift.
chatted with chris and diego. had to update sinack, he's a bit behind with the news.
well gotta go, writing my essay again -.- aba tyinaga. lolz
Merry Christmas, guys XD
ja

Kanae

I is here... do you mind?

2006-12-22T00:43:00.000+09:00

Hm... this is Kanae's blog right?
do you think i can write here once in a while? i mean, i am a part of her too...
oh well, no matter. ill write anyway! ^_^
well, a lot of things have been troubling me -.- first of all, there's the fact that i dont want to study anymore and that ive been thinking too much, way too much for my own good. i cant write good stories anymore, though i wrote one with kanae Monday about Mello and Matt. if they got together, i'd be happy! ^_^ they're cute.
well anyway... a lot of things have been bugging me... the voice in my head, the thing called a conscience, has been talking to me a lot more and it wont stop. people are asking me to be normal, but that's impossible! i cant be normal... its like asking the Pope to convert to Islam. its just not possible. Kanae wasnt born normal (she wouldnt cry) and i doubt she will ever be. they should stop asking :D
another thing is that im so highly unmotivated right now. i dont know what will make me study. i have no desire to be the best in my class; im fine with third. but, i mean, i need something to get me interested in academics again. they say im a good student with little motivation, and an excellent student when i have a goal in mind. what can make me study again?
maybe a Dollfie? those are really pretty. i want a boy dollfie.
and a trip to japan.
maybe a new computer?
maybe that will motivate me... o.o
cosplaying isnt working as motivation; its simply my hobby.
blackmailing isnt going to work either. ill try for a while then ill stop because ill stop caring.
what will make me care?
can you think of something for me?
Kanae needs help too~ im the intellectual side... the intellectual side with no motivation whatsoever. ^^
i really am like Matt when i have no motvation, but im like Mello when i do.
i go insane ^_^
help please~ just write in the tagbox if you have any ideas... thank you!
It's nice to meet you, by the way.
My name is I. i forgot my real name. but anyway, its I and they say im smart but i have the confidence and emotional stability of a twelve year old. im not that unstable! but yeah, im kinda smart. i sleep a lot though. ^_^ and i like to read.
nice to meet you all!

I

2006-12-20T20:19:00.000+09:00

im going insane.
i really dont know why. what am i, the product of this world's insanity?!
i seriously do not appreciate that.
my feelings of dread are growing deeper and deeper as the minutes progress. i feel like matt; i have nothing to look forward to. im dreadfully bored in life.
hopefully i dont find the scissors tempting again.
yes, dears, i am that bored.
i need something more than this.
this what?
life?
boredom?
insanity?
inanity?
im finding life to be so dreadfully inane right now that i would love to have someone like Mello crash into my life and set me free from this.
im just an average girl with an IQ of 120 and no real genius. but really, why am i finding everything to be so damn... boring?
granted, yes, my relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful (he's everything i could ask for <3) , and photoshoots and cosplays are great, but the thing is, they come so little in a month that i have to fill up the rest of the month without it. no, my life does not center on those activities alone. my life centers on my interests. unfortunately, i dont have many.
jeez im becoming like Matt.
-.- im reading too much.
that's the only thing that sets me apart from Mello, apart from the bloodthirsty thoughts he has. I just am not motivated. maybe im more of a matt than a Mello? or maybe i'm both?
haha, i just do not have the looks or the sex drive of the two boys.
LOL.
ugh, im just so out of it these days... reading forensic books, staring mindlessly out the window and hoping, wishing, dreaming something even remotely interesting would happen. its failing.
im soo bored.
i dont even know what i want anymore.
i just want to curl up and die.

Kanae

why do i adore mello?

2006-12-20T15:41:00.000+09:00

o0kay, the past two days have been filled with Mello. well, MelloXMatt fanfics to be precise, but more of Mello.
hm, i wonder why. its bordering on obssession, i guess. i think its because people have started calling me Mello that i actually am starting to get an interest in him. haha they said that if i were to be a character in death note, id end up as Mello's twin sister. Yes, because of my bowl haircut i look like Mello. all i have to do is get it bleached. yes, that remains to be the only reason that i love this haircut. not because i look 'cute' (eww... they said i do, i still dont believe them), but because they say i look like Mello. same eyes, same hair, same insane smile when im furiously pissed... AHAHAAA that's why i wear the blonde wig to school.
the scary thing is i can write and think like Mello. my thoughts are like his, i would do exactly what he did and i am the same competitive, arrogant, annoying, violent little girl inside. ugh, thank God i can hide it.
...it does melt away though... to come back when im seriously pissed and or angry.
trust me, with me, pissed and angry are two different things.
Aftiel. I.
I is like that, only she's a mix of that and a childish little girl. Aftiel is... michael of angel sanctuary turned human turned girl. Lol.
yeah im twisted.
so yes, i do adore Mello not because im completely insane but because, well, im like him i guess. only he's better and a complete utter genius.
DAMMIT.
lolz
from there i think that the reason i like the mattXmello pairings is because i want to find my own Matt. its not that im unsatisfied with my relationship, im very happy actually, its just that i have never experienced the kind of loyalty Matt showers Mello with. maybe im trying to find that little sign that says that MAYBE IM NOT A TOTAL LONER IN THIS WORLD.
ha, maybe.

Kanae

2006-12-19T15:49:00.000+09:00

i wrote a mattXmello fan fic.
well, its about what's going on through Mello's mind as he was dying, when he knew that Matt was already dead. I didnt mean for it to be Yaoi... but it ended up slightly yaoi-ish.
so yes, i hope chynna read it and i hope she gives me feedback soon.
off to bacolod tomorrow. DAMN.
no load. DAMNer.
greeeeeeeeeat.
oh and they say i think like Michael and Mello.
what does they say about me!?
ahahahaha... ja

Kanae

Happy Third Monthsary!

2006-12-17T20:48:00.000+09:00

yes, today marks my third month of being Khal's girlfriend.
i am happy.
ironically, today was supposed to be painful since it has officially been two years since Fumi left, but instead, it was good. im getting over him slowly, and im really glad Khal's there to help me... though he doesnt realize it. XD

Fumi,
I do hope you're happy there in Yokohama. You were important to me, and I do hope that I was able to help you, even a little. I hope you're happy... because I finally am.
Your Filipina friend,
Kanae.

anyway, back to happiness.
im glad to be with Khal. i really am... i hope that we can last this way. I love him, a lot.
Aishiterru~

Oh and we also had the family reunion.
My cousins were looking for him. LOL
no, not yet... its not yet his time to meet the insanity that is our family. XD
nice seeing them all today though. we're arranging something soon; hopefully it pushes through. today i realized how much i do miss Gab and Annika along with my Brillantes cousins. XD
so yes.
I am painfully bored!

Kanae

EK triiiip!

2006-12-15T23:31:00.001+09:00

so EK was fun.
we went there, Victor, Hannah, Luke, Chynna, Kisha and I... went on a few rides and went around. it was annoying since EK closed at 7pm, but it was fun.
We waited a whole hour for the Space Shuttle ride, but it was okay. i actually kept my eyes open this whole time...and ended up losing my center of gravity. the IB got a bit of sidecomments since we kept speaking in English (and Chinese) and were kinda weird, but hey, it was fun.
some guy also tried to touch my ass. aftiel was sooo pissed!!! XD (third time's the charm, bitch. a slap's what you'll get... or better yet, a nice big black eye. >:))
surprise, surprise...
today made up for yesterday.
guess who was in EK today?
yup, Khal. and i didnt even know until i actually got there. it was nice seeing him today...
and very sweet.
watching fireworks together? how cliche in my book...
...but i don't mind at all. -^^-
3rd monthsary on Sunday... im happy for it.
Saw Kuyas Neil, Krelian, Nilopie, Fart, Jojo, Jemire, Kuronue, Jay, Christian... and ates Tel, Catherine, Lyra... XDD so much fun!
even if the day was short and i didnt get to do much... it was still fun.
Christmas is coming.
yey.
see ya guys...

Kanae

Aftiel has taken over!!! BOOM

2006-12-14T19:13:00.000+09:00

ahahahahahaaaaa
hey there. why am I here again? Oh yesss, i remember! Its to introduce myself, so that I dont get forgotten by Kanae-chan. Ah my name is Aftiel, and I have absorbed Sunabi and Cerise into me. SO yes, i am very violent and you bitches dont wanna cross me on a bad day.
Now, today wasnt a good day for us, was it, Kanae-chan? aww, poor dear.
she missed that boy, the boy who was once important to her. Two years? yeah, two years since he left, and he's still on her mind. that's what happens when you cant severe the links or you cant close the doors to your past. ouchness.
plus that goddamned bitch of a fucking vice principal had to add up to her damn problems. oh yes, faculty gets 3 parties. basic ed gets a party and a break. what does she get? natheeeeeeng. so very kind! adored! NOT. biiitch.
Oh yes, i forgot. before i rant, i have to introduce and describe myself properly.
My name is Aftiel. Personalities were getting mixed up, so they created one to absorb the others. And thats ME! XD
i am hyper, bitchy and nice at the same time as long as you dont cross my path. i come out in extreeme fits of emotion and i understand things more than this girl, Kanae. and, i forget, i am probably more confident too.
I understand Kanae has a boyfriend? great! i'd love to meet him. hm hm hm... Khallaene, i think was his name? and Sunabi liked his alter-ego? Kinshin? great, ill meet him too! X3 this will be sooo fun.
its kinda hard though. i gotta take note of all these names and memories and shit... *shrugs* its all part of the fun, i guess? and i gotta draw myself into her life too... *gets scrapbook* ill have a little looksee in the mirror later. ill put myself next to I, the proper-name-less one.
so anyway, yeah.
Btw, we're both addicted to Angel Sanctuary. i quite Michael-kun. he's hot.
dream kid? him. only without the woman-hating thing. AHAHA.
so there!
nice ta meet ya bitches!
Aftiel signing off!

...

2006-12-12T12:55:00.000+09:00

mmmkay. ive started with some stuff, i had fun over at AME Matsuri.
it was funny; Luke was rather... amused by the world I inhabit. lol
also interesting, I finished a book called Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs. Very good, i liked it immensly. It was the one that stoppped me from studying. LOL. XD
and its strange. I like it...
oh, and yes. i keep forgetting what I was going to write about. uhm.
Oh yes!!
I love Michael of Angel Sanctuary. I have found Sunabi's male counterpart. ^_^ awwww i like him...!!
I think i have a thing for 5'5" tempermental boys. o_O
go figure.
and i really really really want to watch/read Angel Sanctuary now. it looks very interesting. sacrileigous, but cool. XD ahaha its soo me.
Fallen Angels, Heretics, Angelic Demons.
Reincarnation and wings.
Heaven, Hell and the Earth colliding.
definitely me.

Kanae

2006-12-10T11:01:00.000+09:00

stop.
for one day.
stop.
i cannot take it anymore.
i feel death coming.

kanae.

AME aftermath

2006-12-09T22:18:00.000+09:00

Ame was fun and stressful; i had to run around the whole day.
But the actual thing was fun.
Dante?
Yes.
definitely.
HAHA.

Kanae

Justine San Lorenzo

2006-12-07T19:58:00.000+09:00

So I've decided to take a short break from my sewing to write.
Yesterday, the IB and I went to the Orphanage of Saint Rita College to visit them and play with them as part of our CAS. There, I met this two year old boy named Justine San Lorenzo, a young orphan abandoned by his mother to the care of the nuns. He is adorable. He has pale skin, dark black-brown hair and huge, passive black eyes. I call him my little Rocker-Goth boy. His hair was up in a little mohawk and he was soooo cute. Jake and I fought over him, but he's MINE. and yes, i am possessive over him.
I want to visit him again this Christmas and give him a little gift. I connected with him easily. I remember going around with him and telling him about the countries and their flags, especially about the countries where his adopted brothers and sisters are. US, Germany, UK, Spain, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Australia, France, Italy, Mexico... I sang NightmaRe to him too, and when I did, he looked up at me and just watched as I sang. He was soo cute. When I asked him if he could talk,he at first shook his head. But after the afternoon was over, when I asked him if he could talk, he nodded. He was soo cute. He wouldn't let go of my hand, and he would sit on my lap. I have a picture with him. He also seems to be interested in cameras and cellphones. o_O and he pretty much is used to being photographed. I wanted that picture of him standing in his crib. You don't know how much I wanted to steal that picture.
He eats everything and knows how to put trash in the proper place.
I want to adopt him.
They were teasing me that when he comes back he'll be a little goth rocker boy with black eyeliner and nailpolish who listens to JRock. how'd they guess? LOL
But seriously, I wanted to. I asked mom and Mike. they said sure, but he'll be my kid.
I'm too young.
DAMMIT.
I love that little boy. One day, Justine, you will be mine!
Maybe I can ask ate nitz to adopt him.
*thinks*
or dad.
I will try.
but at the very least I'll go back there and visit him.
I miss my baby Justine.

Oh and I'm sewing Luke's vest right now so I'd better go back to work before I prick myself yet again.
Prick count: 5.
Two days to AME. HELP!

Kanae

okasan e.

2006-12-04T22:22:00.000+09:00

yes i will never be the perfect child.
i dont want people in my house if i dont know them.
i cant be the holy child.
i cant be the happy bouncy child either.
get over it!
i wont be the child youve dreamed of having.
sorry, but i wont.
and you know what? its your fault.

Sunabi.

2006-12-04T21:19:00.000+09:00

i was really bad trip this morning.
I DONT KNOW WHY. *LOL*
and we have a sloth.
Sloth- Jessa
Greed- Luke
Envy- Katrina
Gluttony- Samer (hopefully)

yey~

Kanae

NightmaRe- SNoW

2006-12-02T00:47:00.000+09:00

NightmaRe- SNoW

Romanji
ima nanjika oshiete yume to itte dakishimete
haikyo no machi ni mioboe ga aru
anata to mekutta shashinshuu no naka
doushite hitori atashi wa hitori
sugu ni sugu ni yume nanda to kizuku
gareki wo hashiru nanika kettobasu
yume kara sameru deguchi wo sagasu no
hayaku ikanakya hayaku ikanakya
dokoka de anata no koe ga shiteru no
ugoite iru toki no naka shika eien nante mienainda
ima nanjika oshiete yume to itte dakishimete
tomari kaketa atashi no kokoro wo ugokashite onegai
tonari ni anata wa iru tabun chigau yume wo mite
taiyou nanka iranai anata no egao ga ima koishikute
anata wo omou konna ni omou
sonna atashi wo yume de mitsuketa no
motto shiritai motto shiritai
anata no koto wo motto motto shiritai
nantoka shinakya shikkari shinakya
donna sekai ni mo setsunasa ga afureru
toki ga itoshii nazeka itoshii
ima wa motto anata wo shiritai
wasureteta yo shinjinakereba donna koto demo hajimaranainda
ippun ichibyou demo zutto zutto dakishimete
warui yume wo miteita dake to sasayaite kudasai
tonari ni anata ga ita ima mo kitto soba ni iru no
araame ga nattatte anata no koe shika todokanai wa
todoketainda
ima aitainda
kimi wo mamotteita
tamani wa kikitainda
hajiketainda
warattetainda
hajimetainda
ima nanjika oshiete yume to itte dakishimete
tomari kaketa atashi no kokoro wo ugokashite onegai
tonari ni anata wa iru tabun chigau yume wo mite
taiyou nanka iranai anata no egao ga ima koishikute

English

tell me what time it is right now and embrace me saying that it's a dream
I remeber seeing this ruined city
inside the magazine I flipped through with you
why alone, I'm alone
soon enough I realize it's a dream
I kicked something as I ran in the rubble
seraching for the exit to awake from the dream
I have to hurry, I have to hurry
I can hear your voice from somewhere
you can only see eternity within the moving time
tell me what time it is right now and embrace me saying that it's a dream
please move my heart that has begun to stop
you're next to me, probably seeing a different dream
I don't need the sun, I'm missing your smile right now
I think of you, I think of you so much
I found such a self in my dream
I want to know more, I want to know more
I want to know more and more about you
I have to do something, I have to shape up
loneliness overflows in any world
time is precious, somehow it's precious
for now, I want to know more about you
I forgot that nothing begins if you don't believe
hold me longer even by a minute or a second
please whisper that I was just seeing a nightmare
you were right next to me, and probably still are
even if the storm crashes only your voice reaches me
I want to deliver it
I want to see you now
I was protecting you
and I want toask sometimes
I want to burst
I want to laugh
I want to start
tell me what time it is right now and embrace me saying that it's a dream
please move my heart that has begun to stop
you're next to me, probably seeing a different dream
I don't need the sun, I'm missing your smile right now

*I really like this song.

of hanging off poles and bowling in the library.

2006-11-29T18:53:00.000+09:00

Today was funny.
we had our oral commentary trials today; i dont think i scored too well. oh dear... lol
anyway, Victor and I were over in a bit, followed by Kim and Chynna. Victor was soo bored that he came up with an absolutely genius idea: use Kim's soccer ball to play bowling with books. So that's what we did. We used books as pins and the ball. I got a strike! XD
after a while we got tired of doing that so Luke lifted Chynna and she started hanging off the water pipes. Victor started freaking out. It was so funny.
and then he had the idea to shoot the soccer ball into a cardboard box on it's side. I got it in again. Anyway, we kept laughing when Victor shot it too hard and it flew, hitting the glass! LOL
of course we all ducked and went to hide, pretending nothing had happened.
and you know what?
the librarians didnt do anything.
it was sooo funny.
history class was okay.
NO CLASS TOMORROW!! wohooooo!! XDDDDDDDD
see ya

Kanae

random blurbs

2006-11-28T23:44:00.000+09:00

so we had a few conversations with some people today.
ive tried to wage war over at candy mag since ive got nothing better to do. its about emos and goths and why people bash us. hey, i take offense to that! im goth (ignore the skin please, im getting rid of it soon), and Khal's emo. there's nothing wrong with us!
...nothing that wrong with me...
anyway... so yeah.
and we had an interesting conversation with alex hannah victor and luke about rich partners. hannah is the rich girlfriend, olie is the rich boyfriend. thank God we're on the same economic scale. Alex went shopping, 10k in hand. daaaaamn, can i have that?
hannah had ONLY 5.5k. aww poor hannah.
jesus christ i would love for some of that money. lol. im joking. but seriously, its probably nice to have that much cash on hand to go shopping in Zara and Debenhams...
...although, id probably use that on CDs, gothloli stuff, cosplaying and random savings money. lol
good lord i havent spoken to Lisa in a while. i kinda miss her.
oh and tita leila and tita julie are going to 168 tomorrow. dammit!
i got my dante dress made; paid 500 dp for it. balance is still 250. pretty cheap if you think about it... o_O
oh and today the weirdest thing happened. i saw this boy who i thought was Khal. honestly, they looked alike. and then i did a double turn and realized the guy was korean. haha damn. that would be nice though, if it really was khal.
and had a talk with IB koreans. apparently they kinda envy IB2 since we're so close now. they think of our class as one unit; over there they're 2 units. korean and non-korean. that sucks. hopefully they all get closer, ne? ^_^
had a meeting with calado about our grades. recorded it so he cant worm away. lol.
im evil sometimes.
>:)
so yeah.
things are settling back to normal... and im really glad.
see ya guys

kanae

Leaves shaking; lets follow I'm staying here with you Angel...

2006-11-28T13:10:00.000+09:00

Leaves shaking, let's follow
I'm staying here with you angel
till the fear dies, I won't let go...
-Last Look
Chicosci

yes, i was thinking of that song last night.
im very much relieved that we're okay now... to think i nearly lost him...
im glad that we can still continue together.
aishiterru, atashi no ouji~

kanae

Back.

2006-11-27T14:45:00.001+09:00

Let me get this straight. I am sane once more.
Okay so I AM upset, and in my opinion I do have right to be so. I did cry. He means a lot to me and I never find it easy when any sort of betrayal, even of the smallest kind, happens to me. im glad he told me though; if i found out through someone else i would be in a far worse state.

"atashi o mamoru shinjita." -Enma Ai

figure that out.
I was forced back by Chynna and Luke. Not of my will, but I guess it's alright.
I had a talk with Chris yesterday; its okay now. He isnt upset or anything; he said it was just a stroke of bad timing. Everyone has those, I guess. Anton always has bad timing with me and I dont really know why.
Back to the point.
It was really hard to keep it in... i started crying when i talked to pat. She immediately told me to go to my room so my mom wouldnt see me. i dunno; i guess i felt betrayed to a certain extent. i mean i had just seen him and given him his birthday/monthsary gift the same day. Malamang masakit pag napagisipan mo, diba?
I just want to know for sure that he wont do it again. if he does i WILL be very upset and I doubt I could stand it. I doubt Sunabi could stand it. she, Sage and I were talking last night. I was very touched. all they wanted, they said, was to not see me unhappy. I stopped crying and even felt a bit better, but my heart was still heavy. it became apparent when I tried to sleep.
I lay down at 9:30, slept at 10. woke up at 11-past, slept again. woke at 3, slept at 3:30. woke up at 6, and got up.
it still bothers me. I just want to know for sure that he loves me enough not to stray away. honestly.
i just want to know that.
if he loves someone else in the future... just let me go. i dont want to be a hinderance. and i dont want to be betrayed. i have too many scars from the past.
i love him too much.
but the next time... that will be the last straw.
when i leave im not coming back. no matter how much i love a person, when im betrayed enough times, that's it.

kanae

PS : Chicosci soundtrip helps. Oh, and I paint my nails black when Im upset. bad thing is though i was shaking so hard when i was painting my right nails that i nearly painted my whole upper finger black too. =_=

2006-11-26T22:10:00.000+09:00

so ive decided that okay then.

Sunabi:
i am not joking when i mean that i will leave, kanae in tow.
all she wants is to know that you love her enough to NOT betray her.
and by her request, if you fall in love with someone else in the future... let her go. she doesnt want to hold you down and she doesnt want to ever be betrayed by someone she loves again.
its just that.
trust and betrayal.
that's what makes the world go round.

suna

I mark my return. Sage Crane is now present.

2006-11-26T20:57:00.000+09:00

inai desho.
dekinai.
kore o dekinai.
kono kusari ga ittai.

kanae

holding back my tears, its hard not to feel pain.
regret
confusion
past
misery
come back to me now, wont you?
all because of one stupid thing that happened.
i dont know.
im going to hide before i cry; i dont want to be seen and to have to explain.
Sage will be present for the time being.

Kanae

Sage
So I'm back.

of Swimming, Pokefests, Turkey and Late Nights Out

2006-11-26T12:46:00.001+09:00

okay so my weekend was... interesting.
First was swimming after school. It's kinda strange coz we went swimming with Juniors. they're okay but it's still strange. we were with Alec, Korps, Kenya, Jason, LA and Satoki. Satoki comes from Osaka!!! waaaah Osaka!!
anyway yeah it was a lot of fun. I went to school dressed Mello-style, and Isel recognized me. mainly coz I had a blonde wig on, probably. Im really happy with that.
so yeah.
yesterday was the WTF and miniCK EB. I saw kuya Yui, Christian, CATHERINE, Ate Noey and Ryan as well as VJ.
of course I saw the WTF gang too... and it was really nice seeing Khal again. *poke*
we were poking each other for a full 2 hours. I have no idea why. but yeah. who ever pokes the other most wins. LOL.
*poke*
i hope he likes the bag I gave him... ^^;;
Oh Chris' birthday today. Happy birthday, Chris!!
Oh I had turkey last night at Victor's. ang yameh!! saw Reis (?) again and saw Luke, Hannah and Mara. So fun.
so there was my weekend.
have fun.

Kanae

2006-11-23T10:44:00.000+09:00

so sunabi is out again.
i am sick of christian music. i dont care if its all holy and shit. i dont give a damn. i am pissed off; i hear it EVERY SINGLE DAY. it is painful already. i burn.
i dont give a hoot.
ARGH SHIT
Dante cosplay in 2 weeks. where the FUCK do i get my money!??! and then i have the Lil Jester in January and that's going to be at least 2k. and then Vanitea and Jigoku Shoujo in Feb or so. SHIT la ako PERA!!!!
ARGH piss off world.
-Sunabi

wheee blogging again!

2006-11-21T14:32:00.000+09:00

so today is the first time ive blogged in... a week? damn, it feels like forever.
for some strange reason i feel like i need to blog.
so i stole luke's computer... and his communication with Karina. aww i feel bad...
oh well.
this is victor's equation:

Luke: Karina+Distance= Luke-Karina ---> Karina-Distance= Luke-Karina

its very illogical, isnt it?
LOL

obviously im in school and im very very bored. also, i am in my Maria Tachibana costume, which i first wore last Saturday.
Last Saturday was the Hero Con and im still pretty exhausted. i was so pissed coz my costume took forever to make and it wasnt that good. craap.
I also met Raphael, the Wrath cosplayer and my groupmate for the UP Ame Matsuri. he is sooo cute!! bagay sa kanya yung Wrath eh. he's 14 and calls me ate. lols
so yeah, Hero was fun; i couldnt hang around with Khal too much though since he had to prepare. ^^;; sayang.
oh and people thought i was a guy. o_O weird. even sir Aligs thought i was a guy. ahahahaaaa

ive got my stuff planned out; Mr. Ramirez wants to give me a 7!!!! YES!!! kahit na 1 7 lang... okay na ako dun! and i got 4 na in chemistry.... sana maka-5 lang ako sa Math. i just need everything to be done na.
oh crap math teacher.
dammit.
anyway not much happened apart from that. im just really happy with my Maria so it makes up for all the shit that made up my week.
see ya

Kanae

The Death of the Fallen Angels

2006-11-13T19:59:00.000+09:00

The Death of Angels

Silent black roses stare at the moon
From the lost garden of heaven on Earth
Sweet Eden, where does destruction loom?
This chaos we’ve waited for since birth

Angels, sweet loves, they gather in the mist
With wings of raven black and ashen grey
Fear in their eyes, afraid of fate’s twist
And yet still silent, with nothing to say

Eerie silence prevails through the clearing
A muffled sense of foreboding and dread
Suffocating, torturous, an unbearable feeling
It is enough to feel life’s remaining thread

Suddenly the sky turns into a dark black
The moon becomes a deathly pale sphere
The Earth shakes, the ground begins to crack
And all the angels fly away in fear

But time runs out, the world turns bleak
And blood of the angels stain the moon red
Melancholic voices cry out, ‘tis heaven they seek
This paradise was last before they were dead

Tears rain down from jeweled eyes
Sweet voices cry out to merciless skies
“We too are angels, sweet and wise
Why must this be our unholy demise?”

Yet no answer comes, and a bloody silence reigns
And one by one the beautiful voices fade away
Angel’s blood darkens the ground that remains
With blood of fallen angels that have gone astray

And so it is finished, this sorrowful deed
The murder of stained angels in the garden of Eden
As the pure angels mourn the loss of their kin
And it is for the fallen that this song is written

*written this morning; i was feeling very murderous.*

The MUNA

2006-11-13T19:43:00.000+09:00

okay so ive had no rest over the weekend, but im pretty okay. i just fell asleep during the TOK and history classes, but im fiine. lol

i have to admit MUNA was a lot of fun in the end. i saw Marice again; she was the Environment Chair this time. my resolution passed!! Main Submitter was Daniel of Saudi Arabia, but i wrote the resolution. i just told him to be the main coz i didnt want to speak in front.
and again, there were some really interesting notes being passed around...
"DSG you're so hot and sexy mmmmm"
LOL.
israel was funny too... especially when she called for Iran to be bombed to make way for a new Middle Eastern Disneyland. AHAHAHA
Iran then called for the whole Islamic world to bomb the hell out of Israel. faneh
oh Felix got voted most Entertaining Delegate. XD good for you, Felix.

Victor won best debater for Human Rights and Hannah won best debater for Political commitee. wow they make a pretty powerful team o_o
heh, i think Victor and I could make a good team;I do the writing he does the talking. that's what happened Saturday. LOL

so im really tired but im glad i went. MY RESOLUTION PASSED TO THE UN!! wohooooo!! happy!

XD

oh my monthsary is on saturday! i cant wait!

<3
Kanae

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KHALLAENE! XD <3

2006-11-08T22:52:00.000+09:00

yes, today is Khal's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
i wonder how many times i've greeted him... maybe 5? lolz
thanks for everything love ^_^

===

ive been stressed lately but im slowly getting the hang of everything. things are piling up; i doubt ill sleep much this month. but i'll get through it... eventually. lolz
wish me luck

===

finished with the stuff for sponsorships, sana naman may kumagat!! *prays hard*
Ate Sha tulungan niyo po kami!

===

lapit na 2nd monthsary namin!! excited XD
love you~

Kanae

ahhh school... my hell.

2006-11-07T11:30:00.000+09:00

so yes im back in school after our extreeeeeeemely short sembreak. im stressed and annoyed.
i just finished my resolution for the MUNA thank God. the MUNA's taking place saturday; i think the busy-ness of Pat and I is starting to irritate ate Lu:na. sorry ate T_T school work kasi; high school at graduating pa naman kami...
i really want to help out with Vanitea. shiet.
>_<
not a very good week so far.
Khal's birthday tomorrow!! <3 XD

Kanae

i feel USELESS and STUPID

2006-11-05T01:57:00.000+09:00

okay.
i feel useless and stupid. hence the title.
i cant do anything for the event because ALL my homeworks have piled up, and they all have to be submitted. the event is on the 21st of december and yet i cant even help out because of my schoolwork.
something always comes up. tuloy, wala.
next week nga di ako pwede punyetang MUNA kasi eh.
i feel freaking useless.
scratch that.
i AM useless.
sorry ate Lu:na.

Kanae

one day at a time.

2006-11-03T01:13:00.000+09:00

today was... interesting.
met up with khal for lunch; our first "date" i guess. XD i had fun.
freaky thing was, it was arranged by my mother. LOL. but they met, and my mom approves of him. thank goodness!
im currently obsessing over Jigoku Shoujo (in particular Enma Ai and Ichimoku Ren XD). i kinda want to be enma ai sometimes... she's interesting, and her life is so peaceful. tranquility is disturbed only by the idiot humans. strange as it may sound, it holds an appeal for me.
well... my mother and i talked about my future...
nothing is as sure as it seems.

kanae

happy halloween, children.

2006-10-31T19:51:00.000+09:00

ah yes, halloween. this is my time of the year...
oh, i bought Chicosci's new album. i love them.
i love their dedication. soo beautiful... lol
"welcome to the chicosci vampire social club."
yes sir. i am honored.
Miguel Chavez is hot. LOL
good Lord, me and my crushes.
they all look like vampires.
but of course, i still love my little emo boy. XD yeah, that will be my nickname for him. my little emo boy XD khallaene. <3
yeah, i think of that when i see him.
there is something wrong with me.
i had a bad day today, but thinking about him makes it better. seeing him today made it better. i smile more often now, and ate Anje says my aura has changed... masopen na raw ako. hey, guess im finally learning to trust again, ne? my bonds are slipping now.
hehe, love, dont worry about the H&K... di lang kasi ako sanay sa lambingan... ^^ pero salamat...
love you~ :x

===

okay am now comforting kitsune... by comforting her, i realize that im also coming to terms with my own past, and its a healing process for both of us i guess. its just that im already down that road, i still have to help her. i dont want her to go through the pain i went through while i waited in the dark for someone to save my sad, pathetic soul.
i want to help save her... but sadly, i cant. i can only wait for someone to.
whoever you are, hurry up and save my sister.

thanks love, for saving me.

===
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
dont let the witches haunt you... harhar.

Kanae

Lu:na

2006-10-30T23:46:00.001+09:00

i am seriously addicted to Lu:na by Gackt.

dare ga fusagareta kono hitomi no oku ni fureru no darou
yureru kagerou no naka de mitsumeteita tsuki ga warau

mimimoto de sasayakihajimeru rekuiemu no yuuwaku o
kizutsukeru koto de shika osaerarenai mama de

itami o yami ni sarawareta boku wa
kaeru koto nado deki wa shinai kara...

chigireta bara o mune ni daite
shinku no umi ni ochiteyuku
kasanariau karada no ue de
shinu made odoritsuzukeru

itami o yami ni sarawareta boku wa
kaeru koto nado deki wa shinai kara...

mogaki kurushimu emono no you ni
ishiki wa ubarareru mama ni
kairaku ni oborete kieteyuku
tsumetai kono ude no naka de

chigireta bara o mune ni daite
shinku no umi ni ochiteyuku
kasanariau karada no ue de
shinu made odoritsuzukeru

English:

I wonder who's touching the depths of my closed eyes
The moon that I gazed at inside of the wavering heat laughed

Only the seduction of the requiem that started being whispered into my ear
Curbed me from wounding others

My pain is taken away by the darkness
Because I can't return...

Embracing the torn rose to my chest
As I fall into the crimson sea
on top of the piled bodies
we dance till death do us part

My pain is taken away by the darkness
Because I can't return...

Like struggling, suffering prey
My consciousness is taken from me
I drown and disappear in pleasure
Cold, inside of these arms

embracing the torn rose to my chest
As I fall into the crimson sea
on top of the piled corpses
we dance till death do us part

EB. Khallaene. <3

2006-10-28T21:28:00.000+09:00

i just came from the CK/WTF EBs... i had fun lol
saw kuya ly; another "bonding moment" in the book for us. lol
well... saw LanceEmo; i made a point to keep Khallaene away from him. and kuya Lyron made a point of keeping him away from me. thank you, kuya Ly!!
parang kuya ko na talaga si kuya ly... and im happy with that. ^_^
apparently he's getting in the way of Ryiki_Suiko and Tessa? omae ga yurusenai dayo!!! >_<
but good thing was I got to spend the day with Khal... and ill see him tomorrow! i missed him... and im smiling like an idiot again. it was really nice seeing him again. panay PDA, dude. ahahaha, now i know what Celz feels with Anda. XD
for some reason i had a HUGEA urge to hug him. which i kinda did. my main problem, i think, is tht im not as expressive as i should be... i will try to work on that. XD
so yeah...
today was good.
i love you khallaene!! XD <3

Kanae

Lonely In Gorgeous

2006-10-28T02:48:00.000+09:00

Paradise Kiss Opening Song
to no one... but i like it.

Romanji Lyrics

Gozen reiji tobidashita
Tobira wo kettobashite
Garasu no kutsu ga warete
DORESU (dress) mo yabureta

Nee akirete iru deshou?
Oikakete mo konai
Namida ga afurete mou hashirenai wa

JERASHII (jealousy) kamo...SE-TSU-NA-I...!!

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...
I'm Breaking my heart
Ima sugu mitsukete dakishimete hoshii

HEDDORAITO (headlight) ga hikaru...
where are you Bad boy?
Ai no SUKAAFU de namida wo fuite
Nani mo mienai

Hoshikuzu wo kaki atsume
Anata ni butsuketai
Naze kamau no?
Jibun shika aisenai kuse ni...

Shitsuren kamo...MAJI nano...?!

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party time...umaranai
Anata ga inai to karappo no sekai
Yume no tsuzuki ga mitai
"I miss you Bad boy"
Kirameki no naka ni tojikomenaide
Kowarete shimau wa

"Lonely in Gorgeous"
I'm Breaking my heart
Where are you Bad boy?
"Lonely in Party night"

"Lonely in Gorgeous"
I'm Breaking my heart
I miss you Bad boy
"Lonely in Party time"

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...waraenai
Nani mo iranai tada soba ni ite

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...I'm Breaking my heart
Anata ga nokoshita kirameki no hako no naka de
Kodoku wo daite ugokenai
Nani mo iranai no tada soba ni ite
Hizamazuite watashi wo mite
Ai wo chikatte

English Translation

At twelve I run out
And kick the door
My glass shoe breaks
And my dress has ripped

You're disgusted, aren't you?
You don't even come after me
My tears overflow and I can't run anymore

This might be jealousy...it's sad...!!

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...
I'm Breaking my heart
I want you to find me right now and hold me tight

The headlights shine...
where are you Bad boy?
Wipe away my tears with the scarf of love
I can't see anything

I want to gather stardust
And throw it at you
Why do you even bother?
You only love yourself...
This might be a lost love... are you serious...?!

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party time...I can't bury it
When you aren't here the world is empty
I want to see the next part of my dream
"I miss you Bad boy"
Don't lock me up inside excitement
I'll break

"Lonely in Gorgeous"
I'm Breaking my heart
Where are you Bad boy?
"Lonely in Party night"

"Lonely in Gorgeous"
I'm Breaking my heart
I miss you Bad boy
"Lonely in Party time"

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...I can't smile
I don't need anything just be by my side

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night
I'm Breaking my heart
Inside of the box of excitement that you gave me
I hold on to my loneliness and I can't move
I don't need anything just be by my side
Kneel and look at me
And swear that you love me

2006-10-28T02:37:00.000+09:00

i just finished watching Parakiss on YouTube.
it's 1:30 am. I told Khal i would be sleeping at 1. sorry love ^^;;

anyway.. the last episode got me thinking. i realize that i will be walking the same path as George. next year i'll be gone... and i have to leave all my important things behind... and all the people i care for most.
i dont want to think about it, but the thoughts keep haunting me. i want to go forward, to the future i want... but at the same time, i want to remain in the present.
things change, i know... but i dont want them to. i like being where i am in now. when i think of the people ill be leaving behind, it breaks my heart.
when George left all the Paradise Kiss dresses to Yukari, i wanted to cry. i cant bear the thought of being the one leaving. i dont want to think of what ill be leaving behind.
to attain much, you must also sacrifice much.
but i think also, is it really worth it?
im thinking of remaining in the Philippines by applying to CSB for their last term. i think i can get credits for the IB.
but i guess im just postponing what will eventually happen.
eventually, we will all drift apart... like all my previous friendships.
the circle of friends that i had in the summer of sixth grade... i remember we promised we'd keep in touch... especially Ayan and I. best friends diba? ngayon, wala na. we were all so different and yet we got along so well. Me, Sims, Ayan, Check, Bianca, Tintin and Paula. we promised that we'd see each other every summer. hindi naman nangyari.
the longest friendship ive had is with Patricia. that's what im scared of losing most. Pat is my best friend... i dont want to drift apart from her because of distance. yun nangyari sa amin ni sims. -_-*
ayoko... ayokong mawala lahat to dahil umalis ako... pero kelangan, diba? yun ang nakakabwisit. ayokong iwanan dahil ayoko ring maiwan.
when George dropped off Caroline at her house, that affected me. saigo na sayonara...
i dont want to feel that pain again.

Kanae

Brain: Neuraly Atrophied. Life: Entropied.

2006-10-26T15:31:00.000+09:00

Neural Atrophy= Neural Death
Entropy= Disorder

yes, i learned new vocabulary today.
from my chemistry class. isnt that wonderful?
go figure.
anyway, ive been thinking.
Ive been reading a lot of Death Note, and i admit im a HUGE fan of the series. i think now i know why.
Light Yagami.
not HIM... but parallels i find in him.
im not an ace student; im rather borderline.
im not in college; im still in High School.
but attitude-wise... i realize i have a tendancy to be like him.
I, like him, find life to be very painfully boring. if a Death Note landed in my hands, i would probably have done the same thing. scary isnt it?
i really would try to do the same thing. if not, i would be like L.
not a child genius; that i will never be.
but i would try to catch was doing it.
oh, and i love Near.
i dont know enough about him, but i love him anyway.
*sighs* sometimes i wish all these things existed. Life is soo boring.
nothing excites me for a long time...
well, admittedly, a few things do, but things like chemistry and math? no.
ordinary life? no.
friends and lovelife? yes.
but seriously... i am soo bored with my life. oooh chiyo! *clicks window to chat with chiyo*
finally!
im still in touch with her after 2 years of not seeing her. i SHOULD see her again. i will... eventually, i guess. XD i miss her.
oh crap she left. dammit!
anyway... yeah, i miss her. she's the one who introduced me to a lot of things... that kept my life interesting and bearable.
trust me, if it weren't for her... i would be dead of boredom. i used to be so bored with life that i contemplated jumping off my roof just to keep things interesting.
*clicks window to chat with chiyo*
yup, she's back.
anyway...
i miss the old house, when i used to lie on the rooftop at sundown, watching the dusk change to the night. i would have my disk player on, listening to L'arc while watching the world go by. that kept me sane. i cant do that anymore now... its hard to get to the roof. lol
i used to have chiyo come over a lot too, and we'd talk there. lol
she used to be my neighbor, you see, that's why we became rather close. even when she moved away, we remained friends. *sigh*
life was a lot calmer back then... now its in a state of entrophy.
meaning, chaotic.
not all the time... but sometimes it is. when grades come, when the past comes, then it becomes total anarchy. like yesterday... >_> but that's over.
at least i got those thoughts out of my head... i know he's a decent guy, but seriously. at that time, masakit talaga.
pero okay lang.
i just realized that everything does happen for a reason.
if he didnt break it off, then i wouldnt have liked Christian. if i didnt liked Christian, then i may not have gone to Asilo. if i didnt go to Asilo, then i may not have met Yoru-kun. if i did not meet Yoru-kun, then it wouldnt be "us" now. amazing, isnt it?
i make clear that hindi panakit-butas si Christian. pero kung sinagot ko man si Chris, hindi ako magkakagusto sa kanya. LOL.
wonderful, im starting to think.
i proclaim this blog entry as VERBAL DIARRHEA.
yes, i am bored.
oh! and i learned a few songs from Chynna. ^_^;;

The Water Buffalo song.
"everyone's got a water buffalo
yours is fast and mine is slow
ooooooooooooh
everyone's got a baby kangaroo
yours is red and mine is blue
aaaaaaaaaaaaa"

then the Cow song. (sorry keno T_T)

"the cow in the meadow goes moo
the cow in the meadow goes moo
the farmer hits it in the head
and grinds him up
and thats how we get hamburgers."

yes i am bored.
OH! i learned something in chemistry today!

The Chaos Theory in Physics:
The world always has a tendancy to go into a disordered state

The Entropy Theory in Chemistry:
In nature, systems naturally tend towards disorder.

Entropy is created.
Entropy is chaos.
therefore, i concluded that CHAOS is CREATED. nyarhurhurhur.

i am soo... basag.
seriously.
i guess im just waay too tired to even think. lol
oh! my parents are out for the weekend... >:)
First up,
EBs in Mega!
Second,
Rain's Halloween party.
XD
yes! freedom!! XD
i love being free.

Kanae

Omoide

2006-10-25T18:22:00.000+09:00

chris, in my memory stream again.
i had a talk with abigail a while ago... she saw him in KFC...
they talked for a while.
and he asked about me.
i wonder what she said. well... apparently she mentioned I had a boyfriend. "ahh parehas yung school niyo sa boyfriend ni Jo, iba lang branch."
apparently he switched topic after that.
he's still heartbroken, she says. still no girlfriend yet either. why not? i honestly thought he would have a girlfriend now.
and now... i cant help but wonder... does he still really care for me... the way i used to care for him? even if its not on the scale i cared for him... was he serious?
i admit, i used to worry about him a lot...
irresponsible...
lazy...
smokes...
makulit...
annoying...
but hey, he grew on me.
when he finally made his move, i was so happy.
i had been waiting a total of three years. thats a long time.
hey i did have a life. its just that he mattered a lot to me.
crushes during that period:
FUMI.
that's another one... to be saved for later, and to hopefully be forgotten.
anyway. i now begin to wonder...what if.
ganun ba ako kaimportante sa buhay mo? kasi nun, feeling ko hindi eh. parang binabalewala mo lang ako nun eh. yun feeling ko... at hindi mo pa sinabi sa akin yung totoong dahilan kung bakit mo ako iniwan ng ganun.
dont get me wrong; I LOVE KHALLAENE. i love him very much, as a matter of fact.
its just that ive learned when matters of the past come... they have to be addressed. and this one might as well be. *sighs*
i just wish it didnt have to happen this way.
but still... if he's heartbroken over what happened...
well, you had your chance. you let it slip away...

Kanae

Ongaku Fusion and my exhaustion

2006-10-24T01:27:00.001+09:00

Ongaku was soo much fun!! the bands were good, and the cosplay was fun...
Marie won as Kami!! I am soo proud of her! It was her first cosplay... i introduced her to Lyron and Ryan... lol
Kuya Ly and I had a nice chat there... lol
Mana- gothloli
Gackt- Kunebitt
Kami- Marie
Catherine- Bou
Chi- Toshiya
Kachan- Kaoru
stig... sobra...
I gave Khal the painting... im soo glad he liked it... i worked hard for that one XD but its all worth it knowing that he likes it... -^_^- I love you!
Its been a month and a week. woah. XD thanks love~

Lu:na, Cath, Pat slept here after Onggaku. astig, we baked a refrigerator cake. yummy! kakainin ko na yung iba bukas. next time sana makasama sina miss Chi at miss Kachan. ^^ bake naman ng cookies...
i might be seeing the tomorrow; my head and body hurt so im not feeling too well... i still dont know. i have a hash pa tomorrow since its Victor's naming run. ugh... i have to rest up for that. ill see how tomorrow goes. but i dont think i should push myself too much... im already at the brink; i think i should rest.
i have been receiving pressure to return to my practitioning. NO I WILL NOT.
only one person will make me return, her and no one else. dont even try to force me. im tired enough as it is; i dont want anymore pressure.

Kanae

meeting.

2006-10-20T22:34:00.000+09:00

met with mr. calado; got my apology.
raised the concerns.
whatever.
im bored today...

ONGGAKU tomorrow!! wohooO!! XD

kanae

Happy Monthsary XD

2006-10-18T20:18:00.000+09:00

okay. first things first.

Happy Monthsary, Love!! XD

yesterday was Khal and my first monthsary. one month of being "us." yes, that's why im really happy. i wasnt able to blog about it yesterday because i was doing something very important. you'll find out later... lol
yesterday was a very good day for me. though i nearly lost my contacts, i found them again. i don't know; i just kept smiling the whole day yesterday. i was like a little hyper bubble... not something you see everyday, i can assure you. ^^;;
it's been a whole month since we got together... its been so fast... but its been a really happy time for me (though my 300 load disappears pretty fast now lol), and im really thankful i could experience it. parang meron na akong dahilan para mabuhay ba...
it's a really light feeling to know that someone's always going to be there for you and accepts you for who you really are...
...even if you have two other counter-personalities living inside you, one of which keeps fighting.
its like a little light in an otherwise black hole, and a little warmth inside a thawed heart. yes, a little happiness in a bleak world. thanks, love.
unlike me? yeah. suuper. but hey, im happy ^^
now i just hope i can finish this by saturday.
thank you love, for everything... aishite~

Kanae

tired...Welcome to my life, Peachy ^_^

2006-10-16T17:03:00.000+09:00

im soo tired... and i have no idea why... i guess i havent been getting too much sleep, ive been thinking too much and ive been running around too much again. i always do this and i have no idea why i continue to tolerate this from myself. ill got to sleep early tonight...
To Happier Thoughts.
i went to Pat's place to get my stuff fixed (in particular my wig and makeup) last Saturday. it was really tiring though... my resistance is really down right now. anyway, while i was there Khal dropped by to say hi and i found to be really sweet of him (awwww...). he also gave me a little bear named Peachy!! i love him he's soo cute!! ^_____^ yey, Shiroi has a little brother!!
(note to self: never eat spicy things on an empty stomach... my stomach hurts T_T)
it was really sweet of him... its for our first monthsary tomorrow... <3 i felt kinda bad not being able to give him anything last Saturday... and i spent up to 12am this morning thinking of what to get him. HA! i know naaa~ but im not posting, baka mabasa niya XD pero kelangan ko pagtiyagaan toh... isang pagkakamali lang... hayy yare na! XD work work work in art class (di nanaman makikinig! XD joke)
i honestly never thought i would be this happy. senti? major. true? definitely. it's our first monthsary tomorrow... its not that i didnt think we'd last this long, but its something i never thought i would experience at 16 years old. hell i never even thought id want (much more get) a boyfriend before 18 years old. i guess some things just arent predictable, huh? XD but im really glad he found me... -^_^-
(yeah Asilo was hella good. SIMON die)
well! one month tomorrow... happy...
pagdating ng 2... happy pa rin pero sakit sa bulsa! libre na raw sabi ni kUya NeiL! ulol!!
~~
oh Onggaku on Satruday, and Mommy Lu:na, Pat and Ate Catherine are sleeping over... im trying to get mom to allow Miss Kachan and Miss Chi too... Onggaku~~
im wearing the Mana Gekka no Yasokyoku on Thursday... hopefully i dont chicken out.
i bought the contacts na eh... people say they're creepy... and they said im ala Emily the Strange today. i guess they never heard of Alice Lovely. one day...XD
oh and the most common thing i heard today was....
MILKMAID
Shut up Southville.

Anton's going to Cali on Friday; hate him for that. dammit!
oh well, masaya ako sa Pinas XP
and i still have school. DIE BAKLADO DIE DIE DIE!!!
Khal: so he didnt cancel classes? o.O
MJ: nope... he's such a bastard! >_<
Khal: uhh isnt he a bitch? o.O
MJ: oh yeah! thanks for the correction love ^_^
bitch.
harhar.
DIE
ja ne~ ^_^
Kanae

gr.

2006-10-12T20:21:00.000+09:00

okay so i hate Mr. Calado sooo bad!

First of all, we are supposed to be part of the International Week, but guess what? noo, we have SCHOOL. how unfair. i mean, everyone else is having fun but we're stuck in the classrooms. how kind of you, Calado.
secondly, if we're not part of International Week, what is the point of us joining the Parade of Nations and the Talent Night!? we dont want to be there, we dont want to join unless we're part of International Week, which we're not!
thirdly, kagaling naman ng timing mo! if you're going to say we're part of the Parade, do tell us at least 2weeks before so we can get ready with costume planning! and then the bulletin boards are annoying. and then tell us about the talent night stuff (song and video?! do you know how hard that is!?) at least 1week before the practice, not 3 days! and if we're finale, tell us at least 2 weeks so we can do something nice.
i mean, its kinda unfair that we have added workload for something we're not even part of. medyo... kapal nun ah. we have bulletin boards, parade, costumes, schoolwork and then practice pa!? my God, masakit yan ano! bait mo talaga.
tapos dahilan mo yung late start?! HELLO! ikaw nga nag-move ng pasok namin tas kami pa madadamay!? sobra na yan.
i hate you soo bad Calado.

so anyway
my brother's transferring to Brent because of Calado.haha. i wish i moved.
>_<

okay so the week has been relatively bleh, but im alright. just got my costume made from a neighborhood seamstress, so im checking her out. if she's good, then maybe ill get my Jester and stuff there nalang. ^_^
so yeah.
ja

Kanae

I believe in GOD. cant say the same of the Church

2006-10-08T18:17:00.000+09:00

i believe in God but i dont believe in the Church.

sorry, flame me but i dont care. its my belief.
hey why dont I? well mainly because my brother and i are condemned by the catholic church for the sins of my parents. yey. so the offspring of a failed marriage is equal to condemnation? oh yeah, thanks a lot! and guess what? my family has a lot of Opus Dei in us. so yey, im condemned by my family too! party! NOT.
did you know that if you come from an imperfect family, you cant get into certain schools here int eh Philippines?? they dont want to "contaminate" the clean innocent ones.
that's the explanation they gave to my mom when she wanted to enroll me in Woodrose.
so yeah, i understand that marriage is an act solemnized in the eyes of God and no man or woman has the right to break it blah blah blah but GET REAL. we're not living in the 8thcentury! so many circumstances have changed. you're saying that even if our husbands treat us like dogs, if they physically and emotionally abuse us, if they try to kill us we STILL have to stay there!? i dont think so! God wants us to be happy. God wants us to LIVE SANELY. God wants equal opportunity, i believe. women were not created for the sole reason of being Men's slave or sex partners. we are human. men are human. and we all make mistakes.
how would priests know about marriage when they've never even BEEN married? no they wont know. you dont know the difficulties of sustaining a marriage when you have a job and kids. you dont know how it is like to argue with your spouse. you dont know how its like to have to deal with your spouse's mistakes.
i do understand that being a priest is like being married to God. but its still very different. God isnt human, God is perfect. God doesnt make mistakes. God doesnt piss you off.
(hey sad but true your spouse will piss you off somewhere along the line.)
so you cant actually say that its the same thing because its NOT. being married to God is different from being married to another imperfect human being.
im not saying i support divorce; rather, i hate it. it tears apart a family, it ruins the children. it leaves scars for the rest of your life. but what im saying is that sometimes... it has to be done for your sake and the sake of your children. just like breaking a relationship for the welfare of yourself is needed when you are abused. my parents broke up because they cared for myself and my brother. yes you need a reason a to have a divorce. but im pretty sure that divorce is a last option for couples. why would you marry in the first place if your going to divorce anyway!?
another thing. how is family planning evil?
how is stopping the country from self-destruction because of over-population evil? so youre condemning Singapore and China, i guess. they're firm believers of family planning, although Singapore went a weee bit too far. now they lack babies. anyway, putting that aside. the reason why we need family planning is because hello, our country is dying of poverty. how can children live if they dont have enough money for food? they cant! are you going to pay for their food, their shelter, their needs? i dont think so! its for the benefit of their family. now why again do you not like it?oh right, because marriage is for reproduction. yes i do know that people have sex after their marriage and end up having kids. marriage is not only for reproduction, you know. people know that. and they have sex because some like too. thats why sometimes its good to have lessons about sex and family planning. at least then you know what a condom is for. in poverty stricken areas: condom usage=less children=less poverty. im not saying children are the cause of poverty. im saying this for the less fortunate.
take my mom's manicurist for example:
she's dirt-poor (i mean it), can barely support two children, what more four, and she's already pregnant with her fifth. and she arns Php120 for each lady she manicures. what!? and when asked why dont you practice family planning, she at first said
"what's that?"
now she says
"its against the church."
huh!? they're going to die of poverty at this rate.
i pity them really bad.
our country is being brainwashed by the church. its like they're saying that we cant think of anything else other than what the church says. hell even our politics is influenced by the church! ever heard of separation of Church and State? we're supposed to have that here, but nooo. we dont! before a politician can be successful, he has to have the endorsement of the church. and the church meddles in every single bill it can. that's why so many bills that can help the country dont get passed. ugh! its so frustrating.
oh you know what they said about the human rights bill for women? the one that says women have a right to spacing between kids? they said that its wrong and its evil.
what the heck!? how?
you know why women need that? because womens health go down when they give birth. we're sacrificing our blood and minerals per baby. we need spacing between children to recover for what we've lost. if not we can lose too much and DIE. is that what you want?
jeez all you have to say is "we dont like women" and we'll get it. tss.
we're not that stupid.
but hey, maybe they'll learn their lesson...
...after another 6million+ women are killed like in the inquisition before. at the most, more than 6m+ women were killed in one inquisition alone. they were blamed for being Witches. sad thing is, most women were probably innocent.
Spanish Inquisition
English Inquisition
German Inquisition
French Inquisition
use your brains, witches dont do rituals in daylight. they need the light of the moon and the blessing of the night to make their spells work. damay-damayan lang naman yan eh. it's like Mao Tse-Tung's torture chambers.
and you know the sad thing is, the Pope Benedict the 18th supports the inquisitions. when i found out he became Pope and is leading the Church (i watched for the announcement on CNN until 2am, when it was announced), i nearly cried. i thought
"Please... no more Inquisitions... I dont want to die."
if he ordered one, the Philippines would surely carry out their own. and i would probably perish in it.
that's why i find it sooo stupid.
I believe God.
I love God.
I know God loves me.
but I dont believe in what the Catholic Church is doing.
When the priest was giving all of this out i wanted to stand up and say
"may i provoke the right to argument or is that against the Catholic Church too?" i was so close to walking out. i wish i did.
it would wake everyone up.
all the masses blindly follow. so sad. the Church, instead of helping the country rise up, is bringing it down.
I talked to my mom about it and she asked me about religion. i said "im changing religion to Christianity."
she said
"your dad wont allow it."
i replied
"he cant do anything when im 18."
im only forced to attend mass. I love God but i hate the church. i just find it useless.
and i only get pissed off when these topics are discussed.
thing is, we're taught to argue these things in the IB. i can come up with so many arguments against it, if only i were allowed to voice it out. its soo frustrating!
only comfort is that maybe one day they'll learn.
and im changing religions when im 18.
these are my thoughts
flame me if you will.
i love GOD. i believe in God
cant say the same of the Church.

I believe in God
the Father Almighty
Creator of Heaven and Earth
I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son our God
who was concieved by the power of the Holy Spirit
was borne of the Virgin Mary
he suffered under Pontius Pilate
was crucified, died and was buried
he descended into the dead
on the third day he rose again
he ascended into Heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father
he will come again to judge the living and the dead
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the communion of saints
the forgiveness of sins
the ressurection of the body
and life everlasting
Amen.

Kanae.

EB and Abigail

2006-10-07T23:45:00.000+09:00

so today was the CK and WTF EBs. i had fun, and saw all the usual people.
Saw Mommy Lu:na and Ate Catherine there today, so that was a plus. we got to talk about the Vanitea event, and we're all going! wheee
we also got to submit the applications to the Onggaku Society, and we've got plans for the Onggaku cosplay. im going as Mana Gekka no Yasokyoku. wohoo~
im looking forward to the remaining events this year. it seems there are a bunch of good ones lined up. yes! can't wait.
i got permission from Seven to do the whole Precious Miseries group. recruit mode: ON!
i didnt see Khal today though... sad. he had a game with southridge so he was late. i had left when he got there, i guess. damn. stupid southridge... rival ng sisc.. lol
but best thing was got to talk to abigail today. im still talking to her, actually. it's been... 2hours! lol... yeah i really missed her. it's been over a month since we last spoke. glad to see her OL today. we talked about everything...
abz ingat ka lagi.

Kanae

Sorry...

2006-10-05T21:11:00.000+09:00

Its me, Kanae. back.
Yoru, i am so sorry... i know i hurt you too, and i didnt mean it that way... i swear i didnt. that post by Sunabi was made out of anger and irrationality; it should have been clearer. i am so sorry.
i feel really horrible about everything; knowing that it's my fault makes it worse. please forgive me.
ill explain. i heard something... it wasnt from what i read on your blog; i just visited it today, as a matter of fact. the previous posts of yours didnt disturb me, and the post before isnt directed toward your ex-girlfriend. i have respect for her. the post of Sunabi was directed toward a person we both know, and news of her disturbed me. the reason why i broke down was because i was too weak. im so scared.
yeah, im a coward and im insecure, plus im insensitive sometimes. im sorry... ill work on those. >_>
its just... im too scared of losing you. i know that if she gets in the way, ill lose. im nothing like her. granted, she was very nice to me, but right now, she's a threat to me. i dont take threats very easily. im scared of losing you to her, and that's why i had to sleep for a while. i guess sunabi didnt take it too lightly. im so sorry.
i know you're not like that, but it's just very hard for me to trust again. too many scars, too many walls, too many broken promises, all by people i was close to. it hurts. im trying to change that... i know you're not like them, and i trust you.
sunabi... she was trying to make it better, but she made it worse instead. im soo sorry.
i love you a lot. it makes me happy but at the same time it terrifies me. im scared of the end. im scared of losing it... im scared of losing you. you've honestly changed a lot in me, and really, im grateful to you for it. thank you.
i'm so sorry for hurting you. im so so sorry. i hope you forgive me.
i love you.

Kanae

Sorry.

2006-10-05T19:58:00.000+09:00

[SUNABI]
okay. so i feel horrible right now. wooow guilt trip. >_<
anyway. ugh. how do i do this. im not used to this. at all.
so i read his blog entry. i am sorry. but seriously, Kinshin, that girl in that previous entry is not the girl im referring to. im referring to another girl with three letters in her username. A-Y-A.
im sorry if i blew up. i cant control my temper.
im sorry if i hurt you. i didnt mean to.
im sorry. im just saying sorry.
kanae nearly killed me last night after Yoru called. she feels horrible too. she had to control herself in school or she would have broken down there too. she couldnt even concentrate in class, not even put pen to paper because she felt so bad.
i feel sooo stupid. i really should keep my mouth shut...
okay, so i have to explain something. the reason i got so upset was because *sigh* okay, so i am protective of Kanae. very protective. she is part of me after all, or rather im part of her. when she found out what she did, she was close to tears and she wouldnt tell me why. i guess i just reacted the way i did because i felt helpless. instead of helping, im making things worse. wow what a responsible alter-ego i am. i hate myself.
im sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you. the previous entry wasnt to you. it was to AYA.
Kanae is terrified of losing you. she really is. she knows that if Aya gets in the way, she will probably lose. she's just so scared. i hate seeing her like this. that's why i was stupid enough to lose it. you ARE probably one of the best things that has happened to her. she doesnt want to lose you. i regret doing that. i really seriously do.
im scared for her. i am hesitant in letting her go into relationships because i dont want her to get hurt. you dont know how many tears she's cried over Yoru. i dont want her to cry anymore.
okay?
IM SORRY.
i just poured my heart out. >_> ugh. never again.
i hope you read this.
IM SORRY.

SUNABI

Warning Shot

2006-10-04T19:16:00.000+09:00

Playing: Emu~For My Dear~ , Doomsday, Tsuki no Uta,

Sunabi here.
i am not playing around and im seriously pissed.
i have been hiding for so long that it's good to be out. Finally im getting somewhere.
okay why am i out? two words:

EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN

im sure you all understand the meaning of these two words. now, lets see? who had the EB? Kanae did. again. right in the middle of her CAS time, leaving me with annoying little brats. but that's not why im pissed. ive learned something that she's been hiding from me, apparently because i would react and get pissed. congratulations Kanae, you guessed right.
NOW. i wonder if that girl reads this blog. what's her name again? oh wait, maybe i shouldnt name it. either way i dont give a shit. ive never met her, i dont care to meet her.
bitch, you mess with me i swear to the God we believe in i will make your life a living hell for as long as you continue. you are going to regret you ever even thought about trying to get him away from Kanae. she's happy now and if you're going to steal that away, you're messing with me.
its alright if you dont take me seriously; nobody really does anyway. but that's not the point.
i will make sure you do. and i am going to make your days a nightmare. what's scary is i can really do that. do not underestimate me. i also have Kunebitt on my side so try it and die.
and for you, boy, you have two choices: Lust and Love (or so i was told). CHOOSE ONE and CHOOSE FAST before we get up and leave. One choice is all you have. when she leaves she's not coming back.
she'll wait for you. she loves you. but if you betray her, you're never going to see her again. and that's Kanae. she doesnt take betrayal easily. she doesnt take pain easily. she doesnt take scars easily. she has had enough.
now why am i upset? well for one thing, Kanae has risked a hell lot to be where she is now, and i dont want that all to waste. she smiles now, and it looks good on her. i've been calmer lately, knowing that she's okay.
and then suddenly this happens? well for one thing, you're disturbing my much-needed rest. second, i want her to be happy. third, i dont want to be the one to say "I TOLD YOU SO."
so hey, make up your mind. which will you choose?
and girl,
dont even try to cross lines with Kanae. you'll end up facing ME.
bye.

SUNABI.

in school

2006-10-03T11:24:00.000+09:00

nohing really interesting has been happening...
only that we had a typhoon... and the philippines was badly battered by it. typhoon Milenyo or Xangazenese or something like that... Neneng just left; fortunately it didnt hit too hard or we would have been suffering again. the billboards are still down but power's back on. such destruction... now im so worried about Ace and Nix and Bercel and them...
Bercel texted a while ago. crap, the past is coming back. Either Bercel or Ayan, i dont know who was texting. this sucks!!
im in Gothic Lolita right now, and im supposed to join the pageant? only if Diego does. and im going to MAKE him do VK. but apparently he cant, so no, im not doing it.
ano gusto niyo, EGL yung muse niyo? sige ba! la nga lang akong talent. grr.
oh well...
mom really wants to meet Khal. she says im happier lately. even sims said so.
i texted sims yesterday, by the way. long time no talk, la. miss ya too.
apparently there are 12 more typhoons on its way here. yey. more school cancellations, just as long as i can still go to the EBs. i miss the cosplayers.
people asked me why i was in costume today. err no, this isnt costume las, this is Elegant Gothic Lolita. Arisa liked it! wah im touched -^_^-
hm... i miss him.
and yes, i am bored. there really is nothing to do here.
ja

kanae

2006-10-01T12:23:00.000+09:00

i am so sleepy.
but im happy.
i saw Khal yesterday and the day before. i missed him... it was really nice spending the day with him... -^_^-
Pat's slept over, so that counts as two and a half days of seeing her. saw JC and Unggkey and Des and Arjay and Bert yesterday too... whee~
it was fun. at around 5, an hour before i had to go home, we saw all the CK people. ive finally met Jyn Kanzaki! met Roy too, and Krelian and Lance and gothic_chick and a bunch of other people through Kuya Yui. thank you kuya. XD saw Tessa and Ryiki too. Tessa is sooo sweet! i lav her. lol
kulitan kami kahapon eh! lol
oh, saw Aren too! long time no see, Aren. at wag mo akong tawagin ATE! T___T
ah Kuya Yui, i get it. lol. alam ko na yan. pero salamat. sayang talaga.
currently listening to L'arc~en~Ciel's Kuchizuke from their SMILE... i miss their albums. lol
i guess ill be listening to them more often now. yey!
urgh my iPod broke. amp!
oh and guess what? i get rashes when i walk under the sun for about 5mins. is that bad? i walked Pat to Rosemallow street (around 5, 6 blocks down) under the sun, and when i got into Chi's place, i started itching real bad. and when i got home, it got worse. what does that mean? vampire mode nanaman kasi... oh well. i kinda enjoy it anyway.
school tomorrow. piff. i dont want to go to school! no! no! NO!
i wanna see him. lol.
talked with Shirley a while ago, and that was nice. i miss her a lot.
oh and Simon came from my past to haunt me again. im going to be nice and not threaten TRO. but i have conversations saved just in case. sorry. im happy dont you dare try and spoil it.
i swear to God you will regret it...
Love, thank you for being there for me always. i love you.
Ja guys!

Kanae

cagayan and manila

2006-09-26T11:43:00.000+09:00

The trip to Cagayan was a heck lot of fun. i really enjoyed myself. i hated the 10-hour bus ride, but i guess it really was worth it. the place was wonderful; sun, river, caves
we went caving, kayaking and whitewater rafting. i loved caving, the darkness was so comfortable. this was the first trip out into the sun in months for me.
we went there with another group, the group i amusedly remember as the Nestle Boys. I remember Miggy, Brian, Andy, Caloy, Glenn and Brian. yes, two Brians. Caloy was sooo drunk it was funny! i remember Saturday he kept drinking when we got back to Anton Carag's place, and by Sunday morning he had a bad hangover. the most common phrase i heard all weekend was "Caloy, musta hangover?" lol
Happy Beerday, Caloy. haha.
Andy was really cool too. nice guy, and everyone kept picking on him since he was from La Salle. Miggy was from Ateneo, i remember. i liked Miggy; he was a nice guy. he's off to the states or an MBA in Environmentalist Studies. how nice and brave. to give up a branch manager job in Nestle for that? woah.
i really enjoyed the weekend, though. i want to do it again, but maybe next time with the IB and a couple of friends. ^_^
and i have darkened a lot. i will continue not going out unless necessary to regain the pale complexion i lost in two days.
Pat and I are planning to cosplay in Singapore. Naruto for me, Sasuke for her. Sakura nalang ako! T_T but Fox Naruto is not bad... >:)
so oh well. i really hope i can go to Singapore with her. it will be a lot of fun.
Good Lord its cold here in the Library.
anyway, back in manila.
mom and anton have been teasing me since i now have a boyfriend. hey, its a nice feeling to actually have one now... -^_^-
so anyway, im too busy freezing to actually type, so im off now.
updates later.
ja~

Kanae

happy?

2006-09-21T22:02:00.000+09:00

today went relatively well...
i survived chinese class, as well as math and chem.
kuya jojo had a heart attack, and i will pray for him. please pray with me.
mom met diego. LOL
oh and the thing about my little lovelife situation? its been solved.
dear, i HAVE to talk to you... please...
im allowed to be with you. now if only i could tell you that...
see ya guys.
im off to cagayan tomorrow. wish me luck.

kanae

thoughts.

2006-09-20T19:55:00.000+09:00

im thinking of applying to University of British Columbia for college. it seems to be a very good school given its location and weather. i know Canada can be cold, but i highly doubt Vancouver goes below freezing. just like Japan...
now that i think of applying to the different Universities outside of the Philippines, i get struck by the many facts that face me now.
if i go to University abroad, i will have to leave many important things behind. my friends, my family... my home, my motherland.
its the reason why im hesitating. i know to achieve great things you must also sacrifice great things of personal value. but... i still hesitate. i dont want to leave the most important things behind for an unsure future. it may seem cowardly, but i really dont. what makes me happiest is to be around the people and things i love.
my friends...
my family...
ill miss the times we get together, the long talks over the phone with patrisha, the talks with myk on my then-non-existing-lovelife, the whacks i give to jc and chris, the chats over ym with khal. i missed them so much when i went to the states for a month, i cant imagine what it will be like for years. that just makes it so much harder to bear.
i love my friends. i would die for them, really. without my friends, life would be so unbearable.

"without these friends, life--what a cauchemar!"

so as to quote TS Eliot's A Portrait of a Lady.
but what i fear right now is not only losing my friends... its also losing him.
when the time comes for me to leave... i keep thinking of what ifs. i know it's unreasonable to even think about it that way... but what if?
what if the time's come that i have to leave... and we're still...this way?
it will break my heart... it already does.
i dont want to leave.
why must all of these things be sacrificed for an unsure future...? why must i leave all these things behind...?
what is the future i want anyway?
all i know is that i want a future. a future involved in the diplomatic relations field. a career as a diplomat from the Philippines to the world. high-paying, highly traveled, highly respected. but before i can even think of reaching that field, i have to sacrifice things first.
Like marriage. i cant be married early because it will slow me down. career women dont have husbands till their 30s. not that i plan on marrying either, but... its a thought that saddens me.
i hate thinking of the future and growing up. i dont want to leave this little world i live in. still... i have to. *sighs*
and so many changes... life can change with just one decision. the whole flow of your life can change in a second. time will continue to flow on mercilessly, bringing all of this to you.
it overwhelms me sometimes. i want to stay, but i want to go. i dont want to let go.
this is why sometimes i want to sleep forever. because then time will not get me. i want to escape time, escape change. but then even when i sleep like the Vampire Princess, time and change will still befall me. but then i can go through with less sorrow...
maybe that's why i loved that show so much. it's because i wanted to be the Vampire Princess, Arcueid Brunsted. she wakes and sleeps as she wants, untouched by time. she wakes in the form of a human, not needing the blood of humans to survive nor being burned by the sun on her skin. somehow i envy her and i pity her too. but still... i want to be of the race of Arcueid Brunsted.
or Robin Sena, the character i would love to call 'mother.'
either her or Arcueid. mother.
you may think i am crazy, but i assure you, i am perfectly sane. i just wish too much.
my greatest fears and greatest enemies are time and change.
i dont want to go on, i dont want to change.
i want to stay here and remain this way.
call me selfish or foolish, i dont care.
i just want to stay here forever.

angel, i love you. please know that... and please wait for me.

Kanae

a weird mix of hyperness, hapiness and sleepy-ness

2006-09-19T10:34:00.000+09:00

so im still in school and im dying of boredom.
it's business class now and because i dont attend business, naturally im absent from the classroom. im also talking to Wolbo again, who apparently doesnt have class till 11.
i just hope he wont abandon me early. >_<
anyway, so it seems there is a development on Kimimaro's part. maybe i should start callinghim Uding so it would seem less weird? okay. So Uding finally attempted to call Pat last night, but the stupid payphone refused to cooperate!! so so so so soooooo stupid! kung kelan nga lalapit si Uding eh, ngayon ayaw naman ng payphone. good lord, is this a sign or something!? but hey, pat was touched by his efforts. i would be too. nice one Uding!
Wolbo, it's your turn. stop hiding behind the stuffed toy i gave you and make a move on DES! wahhahaa.
Khal pointed this out. kung kelan kami lumabas, nagsisilabasan narin ang iba. aba role models! LOL joke lang! XD
yes i am hyper. i just came from chem class where i got the seatwork/tutorial-thing right, so im pretty happy about that.
it's just the Cagayan trip this weekend lingers on hin my mind. i dont really want to go, mainly because of the 10-hour bus ride that awaits. AMP
we also had a british woman named Carol over last night. she kept laughing when i told her about my question to the head of security at the US State Department. haha. serves that stupid american right. >_< grr... oh and i also told them about the posibility of mr. calado being gay. she laughed at that one too.
poor anton, he'll be under him next year. awww. im gone XD
anyway, i slept pretty late last night too. had "the talk" with mom. apparently she's really happy for me, and she's pretty much granted my request to get into a relationship with someone. happy~
she doesnt really know what having a boyfriend means though... go figure. we've pretty much set up some rules (some of which might get more lenient when i get older or in a few months-- like the 'no single dates' rule... XP) and talked it over, and she said all she has to do is meet him at home. waii! i never expected my parents to be so nice... i just hope it will be soon.
i talked to Taco about it. at first he was hesitant... but after i explained, he said "have fun go for it and enjoy the good times." awww Takeshi!! he really is like an older brother to me. my goodness, he made me explain everything!! i love him in an older-brother sort of fashion. he was really like an older brother during the 3weeks i stayed in Japan. i wouldnt go as far as to say that we were extremely close, but i guess we were reasonably close. lol. i guess he thinks of me as a younger sister too... dear me, he must be around 21 now! kuya takeshi!! i still have an invitation to visit him in New Zealand and Lord knows i want to go. ^_^
apparently the advice i gave over at the Love Is All That Matters thread has been getting good reception. wow. i didnt think it was that good. i guess the people who give the best advice are those that have had the worst mistakes... and learned from them. so that means ive learned from mine? i guess so...
but really, im happy right now.
i just hope nothing destroys this again.
my dark angel, please be patient and wait for me... i love you.

kanae

thoughtful

2006-09-18T16:53:00.000+09:00

im at home now (and have been for the last two hours); history class got cancelled. Get well soon, Mr. B, though feel free to skip Wednesday's class too XD
im talking to my daughter in Indonesia... Tenten is really nice. aww~
i had a talk with Wolbo a while ago about relationships and stuff. we pretty much think the same, and i gave him some advice on how to deal with this. its so strange; ive never had a boyfriend but people ask me for advice when it comes to dealing with relationships and crushes. even deathsumi said my advice was good. go figure. i guess it's easier to give advice on a problem when you're outside looking in, huh? you get to see the bigger picture with an unbiased view. if only real life could be that easy... *sigh*
oh well.
i did talk to my dad again about the whole relationship thing. surprisingly, he's cool with it. i told him i want to be someone and he asked me why. and i answered. and he drilled me with a bunch of other questions and i answered them. hey i've thought this through, i know what im doing (sort of... XD joke!) and i've pretty much come to the conclusion that i do want to enter a relationship with this person. i dont have much time, and i want to spend whatever's left of it with him. i've never felt this way before and i really dont want this chance to just slip by me. i've had too many regrets; i dont want this to be another one. and i really do want to be with him...
i just hope that mom agrees. im praying that she lets me enter this on my own... dad's okay with it, now i know it might just be mom who's a problem.
i really do feel for him...
wish me luck in this... ^_^

kanae

school.

2006-09-18T10:44:00.000+09:00

i hate school so bad.
im dying of boredom, but shirley's keeping me pretty much sane.
i told her about saturday... and she is so kilig about it. lol
yeah, boredom is killing me. i hate being here in school, but thankfully we might not have history class. WOHOOO
i miss khal... -_-
im looking for a new gothic love themed blogskin. cant find it. wish me luck.

kanae

2006-09-16T19:48:00.000+09:00

today was the L'arc con...
and today was a very special day for me.
my angel, i love you very much. i wish we could be together but currently we can't. but please always know that though im not yours yet, my heart is. you've made me the happiest little gothic lolita girl in the world, and i really thank you for returning my smile.
two white flowers and a single black rose...
~~~

l'arc con was fun. i kept annoying Uding LOL. hahaha. now if he were a year younger, i would so consider him as my younger brother.
awww i miss chris!!
i saw kuya lyron again today!! and nilo and ryan and christian.
krelian and christian really look alike!
nahuli si wolbo at deathsumi nagchachanean!! LOL
si kimi naman!! XD
ahahahaaaaa

Kanae

senti mode?

2006-09-15T22:58:00.001+09:00

im sure everyone's familiar with the feelings of loneliness and missing someone. i miss a lot of people, and because of that i really feel empty inside.
i miss Joey Montanes, my very good friend from way back. he's in virginia now.
i miss Shirley Parakh, Nathan Chase and Lisa Cui, my good friends from the GYLC.
but most of all, i miss my Ate Shasta, who died 4 years ago. good Lord she kept me so sane as my parents divorced... she would be so happy for me if she were alive now. albeit she would be teasing me and teasing me and teasing me till i wanted to cry (okay im exaggerating), but still im sure she would be amused to no end to know that the youngest, most insecure (and insane) cousin of all the Bellos and Brillanteses is finally happy and in love. haha.
i feel so bad that i couldnt visit her grave last August 11... i prayed for her, but still i miss her. she was the sweetest girl ever. when she died her school even had a special mass for her and all her batchmates skipped school to attend her funeral. they had this little "mourning period" and procession for her. she would be around twenty now.
i dont know why i thought of her so suddenly. it's strange. i remember being unable to cry when she died. Javi and I were in a state of shock. Javi... Javi hasnt been the same since then. He's really changed. he wanted to forget about her, i remember. but i guess ate Sha didnt want that and so visited him. she visited me.
im still really bitter that i wasnt able to be there when she died. i was supposed to but anton got sick and i wasnt able to go to Subic with them. she died there. i wasnt able to say goodbye, i wasnt able to tell her thank you for everything. i know i wouldnt be able to stop her death, but i just wanted to thank her for being there for me when my parents split up. i spent a couple of nights over at her place, and she would always pay special attention to me whenever we were in family outings. she knew i couldnt stand seeing perfect families and would defend my silence when questioned why i never smiled. she understood im not your normal child, she understood that i need space and silence. she never questioned me when i told her of tarot, the past, spirits and all those other things. she just believed me.i always appreciated that.
im sure she would be so interested in my cosplaying too... she would probably support me, instead of putting it down. she was very open-minded, and supported me in many things that my parents disapproved of (like anime, gaming and rock music). *sigh* i really do miss her.we only got to bond because my parents split.i blame them for all the insanity i have, for all my psychological sicknesses. yeah sure, split right when i needed you and totally decieve me while doing it too. yeah, thanks. and then play "all mighty and holy" every single time. yeah, go ahead. when i burst, i swear to God you will be so sorry! stop me from cosplaying i will die. prevent me from being with him because of your immaturity and reluctance to let go and let me grow up... i dont even want to think of what may happen. yes im that furious.yeah im still pretty much bitter over the split. hey, im one of the masters in making masks. no one knows about all of this. good.
though now what im most concerned about is that the status of my independence as a teenager is almost equal to 0. i hate it. and then there's also the fact that of course, im not allowed to have a boyfriend yet and im already 16 years old. i WOULD like a chance to grow up, i WOULD like a chance to make my mistakes, i WOULD like to be able to go with the one i love and experience what its like to be with someone who you care about and who you know cares about you. yeah. that's all. they think i dont have enough emotional maturity to stand a breakup. hate to break it to you, but i do. ive had that emotional maturity since first year, when my whole world almost came crashing down and when i nearly killed myself. whatever.
im glad im still alive but at the same time i think im killing myself slowly.
yeah i pretty much am.
and only one person is saving my sanity. well, him among patrisha and chris, jc and abigail. good Lord i have to speak to Abigail. i miss that girl.
im so glad that i met him, though. a lot of the times i find myself thinking about him at the most random time of the day. whenever i talk to him, i become so happy. i miss him a lot, and i wish that i was with him right now. sounds sooo sentimental, i know, but i really do. i havent seen him since before i left for the states... that was a very memorable time... *smiles reminiscently* ^^
my beloved dark angel... thank you so much for everything. i love you sooo much, and i hope you know that. i've never felt this way before, and im glad you taught me how to feel again, how to smile once more. i love you.

and by the way minna, this post never happened.

tomorrow's the l'arc con and i cant wait to see him again.and of course all my friends.

ja guys.

Kanae

weird

2006-09-13T21:58:00.000+09:00

okay... so yeah. things in school are weird. there's nothing much to update except there was a screaming match between alex and the psycho librarian. >__>
whatever.
we went house painting today too. LOL
so tired...
miss him...
wahahaha.
see ya guys. im tired.

Kanae

crazy

2006-09-12T21:55:00.000+09:00

today was your ordinary day of basagness.
we had an "episode" with Miss Cortez involving Chynna dashing out of the elevator like a deranged rabbit, Kim thinking Chynna got eaten by the monster that is our chemistry teacher, and me standing like an idiot continuously pressing the down button of the elevator only to find out it doesnt work. haha.
and then there was me drawing Lil Jester, who i will cosplay. naduling ako sa checkers ng drawing niya! it took me the whole four hours of math and VA to draw her... and im not done with the shading yet!
and then there was dismissal. i swear dismissal was the nuttiest time of the day. Victor and Luke think Diego and I are together! partially our fault though, we were behaving like our usual cosplayer nutty selves. i glomped him for agreeing to lend us a sound system, for heaven's sake. haha. and then we got the strangest looks and we immediately realized they didnt get it. oh my God. that sucked!! so yeah. we were talking anyway and they left. however Diegs and I ran into Victor and Luke downstairs and then we received The Look. oh dear. so there. that was way weird. good thing they dont know i dropped him off at ATC. Diego lives in Ayala so its pretty near.
let me explain.
Diego and I are good friends, mainly because of cosplaying and the IB. we hang around together because we get along and nothing else. besides, i have someone else in my heart. sorry dudes. lol
so yeah. my day? weird.
lol
updates to come.

Kanae

Suicide Seasons

2006-09-11T20:01:00.000+09:00

Rage pulsing through your veins
Cursing everything and all you meet
Tired of waiting till your life wanes
Wishing that you werent so weak

Grab the gun in your drawer
Put the bullet through your head
Or stand atop the distant tower
And jump off the rail to end up dead

Slit your wrist and watch it bleed
Your life dripping out drop by drop
Watch the puddle grow; youve done your deed
This crimson stream that cant be stopped

Hang yourself with a rope and hook
Feel your breath slowly disappear
Try not to count how long it took
Before you reach the final frontier

But then, is it really worth it
To kill yourself for such a reason
Think about the light that remains lit
Just wait for the change of season

So think, lower that gun
step down from that ledge
Hide the rope, watch for the sun
You've yet to reach your edge.

Waiting for My Dark Angel

2006-09-11T19:47:00.000+09:00

Watching the busy streets before me
Listening to the voices and their laughter
Oh how my shackled heart yearns to be free!
To break these chains and start a new chapter

Still waiting and yearning, I've yet to be found
Wondering the reason for my creation
Clinging to the cross to which I am bound
Yet knowing in you I will find my dark salvation

Searching for my dark angel amidst the blackened sky
All the while pondering the existence of such a being
Continuously searching for where his soul may lie
For in his heart lies the truth to my meaning

One day under the blue moon we shall meet
I and the black-winged angel I so patiently seek
Forever, such sweet words we shall repeat
Together forever, or 'till the world turns bleak

Under the light of the moon we shall dance
Flowing with the wind, two hearts as one
Such a beauty, such a marvelous trance
And a bond than can be broken by none

I know he remains somewhere out there
Though it is but by dream that I feel it
But I know he is waiting there somewhere
And one day we will meet, before time's limit

Yet that day remains but an distant dream
For I remain here, all shackled and chained
With black memories flowing in a constant steam
As I wait for the one to free a heart so pained.

Back to Reality. why?

2006-09-10T23:43:00.000+09:00

okay today was good, i guess.
back to dialup though and i want to cry.
anyway, we slept at the Manila Penn last night.
it was great... except for the fact i had to sleep on the couch. whoopdeedoo. and i thought my couch-sleeping days were over when i left LA. >_< oh well, i guess not.
i do hope you liked the poem i put above.
i got some of it from the greeting of my blog. its still sad and dark, as i am, but not as touching or heart-wrenching as i usually make them. *sigh*
i have to find my inspiration again. i have to get back into it.
but thanks Khal for helping me. ^_^

Kanae

2006-09-09T12:52:00.000+09:00

ooh DNAngel.
Light and Dark are cute.
today is Anton's birthday. Happy Birthday.
i am very basag. see ya later.

kanae

2006-09-08T09:51:00.000+09:00

okay so i am blogging in school. LOL
anyway, yeah.
blogging while talking to Shirley and NC. this is fun.
so... it turns out i dont have to go to school until 12pm because i dont have to attend Extended Essay and Business Class. yey. what the hell am i still doing here? i dont know.
okay ive been thinking lately.
i've been smiling and i've been really happy lately. ive never really been this happy before. or i dont know, maybe i have but i just dont remember it. all my good memories have been eaten up by the shadows within me, leaving behind only the sad and painful memories. nice, isnt it?
its nice to have this feeling. but because of scars i cant really trust myself in this. im so scared it will be taken away from me. yes im a coward. shut up.
i have too many scars that refuse to be healed.
to happier things.
yes, ive been good.
yesterday two or three cockroaches fell out of the a/c in the conference room. EW!! nasty!
and then ive been having a weird imagination lately... way toooo much sugar adn hyperness in my blood. lol.
im really happy now. ^_^
oh im now part of the school debate team. omg i didnt know i debated. is that a word? dont give. anyway, i know have somethign to do. yey.
i want to go home and sleep *yawn*
cant wait for VA class... LOL
ahahahaha.
apparently the teachers were talking about me and my gothic-ness. and im misunderstood.
thank you sir claro ramirez.
anyway yeah.
and by the way, why do people not like emos? emos are okay. hey Khal's emo and he's nice~
i dont get it >_<
anway
see ya

Kanae

2006-09-06T19:15:00.000+09:00

okay today was good, surprisingly~
let's see...
first of all, today was mufti day. i got to wear my new outfit and scare half the school. wahahaha! but surprisingly, a bunch of people liked it. ^_^ yey. acceptance. Miss Nakpil said i looked like a model. wah!
i wasnt late for English class, and i guess i did pretty well there. found a new rate for Hongkong-England on a new airline. 75pounds one way! not bad...
and then i found out today that CHICOSCI and URBANDUB are playing in Southville on October 20,2006!! OMG!! CHICOSCI!! I LOVE THEM (esp. Miguel Chavez XD i've admired that guy since... last year. stig siya!) i volunteered to MC the concert. sana makuha ko!! i so need a picture with Chicosci! XD
talked to Khal too. ^_^ that was nice. dear, dont fall asleep in class... LOL
hey, i stopped myself from falling asleep in History. yeah!
oooh i also saw Ji Yong Kim, who i havent seen in so long. Sang Hun was there daw but i didnt get to see him. noooo~ SANG HUN!!! *cries* wah i miss him!
he sings sooo well @_@ it amazes me.
anyway... i talked a lot to Diego today; we've been hanging out these past few days lol. he's now "one of us." LOL!
him and Hannah (year1)...
Arisa said she liked my outfit! i can die happy now. LOL
anyway, so yeah. Diego's like my little brother now... or no, not little brother. kuya maybe? not yet eh. kambal? naaah. i dont know. basta my brother XD wheee~~
so anyway... today was good.
see ya guys!

Kanae

2006-09-04T19:01:00.000+09:00

current mood: thoughtful
current music: Paris by Chicosci, First of Summer by Urbandub, Mr. Brightside by the Killers,

okay. so i havent had time to update but there have been interesting 'happenings' in my life. wow its raining. perfect weather for my thoughtful mood.
last weekend was the Welcome Home Gothloli06 EB. i was actually very touched that they thought of having one for me. I was really glad to see them again though the one i wanted to see most wasn't there due to unforseen circumstances. Still, it was nice to see them and hang around with them again.
i saw kuya Ly and that was nice. KUYA!! i missed him~ lol. he's inviting me to do Miss Doublefinger for the One Piece group. it's for the Toei Con... i'll think about it. i already have a commitment to the WTF Naruto group and/or Sakura Wars Team with Batella.
anyway... yes.
i had a strange dream last night. i guess it's because my mom and i had a chat about my past near-relationships with Ayan, Fumi and Chris G. in my dream i saw CG and some of my other batchmates like Bobbie, Tim and Ivan Cuevas. In that dream though, CG was smoking (no surprise) and he had a girl with him. i wasn't jealous or anything, but i remember thinking in the dream and when i woke up,
"i hope you're okay wherever you are, and that she's taking care of you as much as i tried to."
i even remember my words to ivan then.
"Ivan, please tell her to take care of Chris and his heart," I said. "And tell her to anoy him about his homeworks or he won't do them on his own [-_-*]."
i must have had a wistful look on my face because ivan asked me,
"do you still like him?"
i shook my head and smiled then.
"no, i'm over him," i remember saying. "i've found someone else... but that doesnt mean that i no longer care for my friend."
that part has been stuck in my head... i guess i kinda miss talking to him. we were friends first, after all. lol
anyway, yeah... it got me thinking for a while. but im glad i met him. he taught me a lot of stuff (like hitting a person with a 900+ page Biology book really gets them to shut up) and how to solve really hard geometry problems. haha. thanks Chris. maybe one day you'll read this. lol
but anyway...
talked to Diego today, and it was... interesting. he's a nice kid. i learned some stuff from him lol.
so yeah...
first day of school is a pain. really.
i want to escape...
but im kinda glad im back in SISC. i did miss some of my classmates, afterall. haha.
see ya guys

Kanae

2006-08-31T10:03:00.000+09:00

hm..
im home in the Philippines already! im just suffering from really bad jetlag. i hate it. but oh well, right?
im glad im home. i was supposed to meet K today, but dad says i cant go because of transportation problems. *cries*
i really really really want to see him.
and i want to see Pat and Myk and Chris and JC real bad too.
grrr...
oh we're having a little lolita party. im helping organize ^_^
oh dear im going to fade in a bit.
see ya~

kanae

2006-08-29T03:12:00.000+09:00

okay im headed home to Manila tonight. i cant wait to be back in the motherland <3
yeah, severely homesick...
...and sick of packing. LOL
K wants to meet up thursday... i really hope i can go... i want to see him too.
and pat
and chris
and jc
and myk...
i still have myk's drumsticks.
and EB plus JRock outing Saturday. wahoo~
===
okay Queen of Swords from PinoyCosplay has sent me something very interesting about the owner of PC. its all in Tagalog, so i have to admit, im having a slight difficulty in reading it (im used to reading in English; i rarely read Filipino by choice. way to difficult LOL), but ill read through and post it here so that people will see what kind of an asshole Mike Abundo truly is. I have no intentions of meeting him in person, lest i truly punch him in the face.
absolute betrayal of public trust. >_<
anyway ill finish it up, then translate to English so the whole world will understand. wahahahahaaa.
thats why i said,
go to
http://www.wtfcosplayers.tk or http://www.cosplaykada.ph.tc or http://www.toyomancomet.proboards77.com
so much better.
i know the people who run them. LOL
see ya guys.

kanae

2006-08-27T00:27:00.000+09:00

okay last night was funny.
we had a party here, hosted by Gerald and Lisa, and most of those that attended were Filipinos. then some white people came, but they were later shooed off by Lisa's very drunked brother, Philip. it was soo funny, watching Gerald, Philip and this guy, Jacob, soo drunk.
Jacob and Philip were fighting-makingup then fighting again over and over and over.
"i know taekwondo!"
LOL
haha. there were two Vietnamese girls though, Tran and Yvonne. Tran is Jacob's girl, and she's really nice. pero... medyo airhead ba. -_-*
Jacob looks like Miguel Chavez of Chicosci.
Miguel Chavez is hot.
therefore,
Jacob is hot.
LOL im joking.
but really he's cute. hm. rakista siya.
but naaah. ill never see him again anyway. besides, no interest anymore. my interest is somewhere else (at home) lol.
so yeah.
im done with last minute shopping, now i have to do my packing. see ya guys.
flying to LA later, then back to the Philippines on Monday.
school starts on the 4th of September.
wish me luck.

Kanae

2006-08-26T07:52:00.000+09:00

the scandal is over and it has to come to a somewhat satisfying ending.
i have changed the link in one to the new forum, CosplayKada. it's better. wohoo~
for all those reading, if you're a cosplayer, please do visit CosplayKada, WTF forums, Filcosplay.tk and Around the World Forums. tis a lot of fun. and dont bother with PinoyCosplay, one of the admins there is stupid and he might exploit you *ahemmikeabundoahem*
everyone is welcome to the forums. XD

anyway.
im still here in Texas, and im done with my last minute shopping at Hot Topic. im thinking of franchising it, and my dad said he can provide the capital for it. hey, not a bad idea. lol
yeah, i like the store. even if they call it a sell-out, hey the stuff's nice.
keep buying stuff from there XD

i have agreed to be TimeJump Sakura for the Naruto group at WTF. yeah! ive bought some stuff needed already. cant wait for it, though im not a big fan of Sakura myself. unfortunately i believe she and i have SOME similarities (inner sakura XD). kung di lang nagrequest ang isa... >_> oh well. lol

ive received the nomination forms for the GYLC. i can nominate up to 10. *thinks*
Diego, Patrisha.
me. LOL.

so yeah, thats all thats been happening.
see ya guys

Kanae

Growing up and the recent scandal.

2006-08-24T14:20:00.000+09:00

well.
i think im growing up. well, obviously, i am, but emotionally, im maturing again.
im getting more uncomfortable with people prying into my life or invading my personal space. i get exasperated more often too, but that's a different story.
im starting to draw lines between myself and other people, save those who i trust and am close to. especially boys. even my dad.
i dont know why. oh well...
i guess its also because in my mind, simple guestures now have different meanings. its strange, but that's how it is with me now.
^_^

hm. NC brought attention to another controversy started by Mike Abundo.
Abundo naman, wag kang ganyan. respect lang naman ang hinihingi, ayaw mo pa ibigay? si Lexy at Alodia pa naman, not to mention Polence, Wantan at Marikit.

it all boils down to repsect.
want to give it or not?

usually di ako nagsasalita sa mga ganito pero pag may dinamay ka na kaibigan ko o taong nirerespekto ko rin, talagang magsasalita na ako. amp ka dude.
go Jeff and Lexy~

RESPECT
to show regard or consideration for:
to respect someone's rights.
to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with:
to respect a person's privacy.

SELF-CENTERED
1.concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, selfish
2. centered in oneself or itself.
3. MIKE ABUNDO

tama ka kuya jeff

to all friends,
be careful about aholes like mike. ^_^

Kanae

2006-08-23T03:28:00.000+09:00

yesterday was cool.
went to the Embarcadero region of San Francisco with my dad... it was nice spending time together with him, just father-daughter. ^_^
thought i saw chris there too. LOL
i keep thinking of Thomas Ding LOL. he really looks like K... Singaporean version haha. cool dude, though i never got to formally meet him (though we danced at the cruise haha)
i have to talk to the squirel~ >_<
i miss the GYLC...
i miss the Philippines
i am homesick T_T
anyway... yeah
see ya guys

Kanae

2006-08-22T02:15:00.000+09:00

ive been on a quiz-mania.
read on...
answer on...

===
01. What time is it now?` 10:05am
02. What are you doing?` this
03. Thinking of Anyone?` sort of
04. Are you Happy/Blur/Sad?` all three
05. Why?` life
06. What is the last thing you ate?` pizza and noodles
07. Last thing that you've heard that made you cry?` dont remember
10. Whats the last movie that made you cry?` forgot
12. Who do you wish to be by your side?` my fallen angel
13. Regretted anything in this month?` yeah~
14. Did you fall in love/out of love in this month?` yes
15. Who was the last person you talked to?` shirley parakh
16. Who was the last person you hugged?` my dad
17. Who was the last person you sms?` my uncle
18. What did you dream of today?` something hella weird XD
19. Who can make you laugh?` lots of people
20. Who always takes care of you?` myself, family, friends
21. Anyone you know is in pain?` apparently
24. What happen?` life got to them
25. What do you wanna do before you die?` say what i need to say
26. What song is stuck in your head?` nothing XD
27. What song are you listening now?` no music
28. Worried about anyone?` no.
29. What age do you wanna get married?` 24+
30. How many children do you want?` 1-2
31.Where do you wanna go for Honeymoon?` somewhere secluded and romantic and FUN
32. Any plans in this 2 month?` yup... school T_T
33. Describe a perfect wedding?` gothic fairytale XD
34. Describe a perfect Date?` fun and romantic
35. Where would you like to go for Holiday?` JAPAN
36. Do you play instrument?` used to...
38. Do you have a band?` sort of
39. What song do you want to listen to?` JRock
40. Wish you could die?` yeah
41. Do you give up easily?` sometimes
42. Do you know anyone that acts like a kid?` yeah
44. Do you know anyone that is rude?` YES
45. What's the sweetest thing anyone ever done?` tell me that they would always be there for me... and fulfilled it
47. Any sweet unforgetful memories with your Ex?` dont have an ex
48. Honestly.. Which Ex did you love the most?` dont have one
49. Who do you want to be hugged by?` my friends
50. Single or Taken?` single-- TIIS!
==

2006-08-22T02:08:00.000+09:00

how filipino are you?

===
Filipino Survey!Answer the following questions :
Are both your parents Filipino?- yes
Do you own a rice cooker?-thank goodness yes
You were raised that every Filipino friend of your mom and/or dad is your aunt and/or uncle?- yeah LOL
you say "hoy" to get somones attention?- heck yeah
you say"air-con" instead of air conditioner or a/c- yes lol
at least one of your relatives is or was a nurse- dunno o.O
To respect your elders you put their hand(the backof it) to your forehead(you bless them).- yeah
when you come from or go to the Philippines, atleast one of your boxes is a Balikbayan box?- *sigh* yes
when something hurts you say"aray"?- sometimes
your parents call you by special name they callyou.- yeah, JO
When you go to parties you or your parents bringhome food.- *sigh* yes
You eat Rice at least once a day.-almost every meal
You or your parents call Philippines home.- heck yeah! XD (im homesick T_T)
you live near at least one Filipino you know and/or is your family- yeah
There is or used to be a picture of "The Last Supper" in your house.- no
You have friends of all races- yup~
You eat with your hands and use a special technique- yes...KAMAYAN!
You have a uncle named "Boy"- yeah
Do you have a aunt named baby?- yah
When guests come to your house, your parents always offer them food?- yes and drinks too
Can you speak tagalog?- malamang!
Do you say tagalog words to other people because they dont know what the F*** your saying?- heck yeah! (remembers Doray at the GYLC LOL)
Do you use shopping bags as garbage bags too?- yah!
do you have a piano that hardly gets played?- yah
Are you always late for parties and call it "filipino time?"- minsan
do you use the dish washer as a dish rack?- ewan
Is your last name spanish?- Palma?
Do you know what Bulot is?- yah
You use your fingers to measure the water when cooking rice.- no
Do you or anyone in your family pronounce words like foot "poot"?- no
Do u have a lot of Filipino friends?- yeah
Do u know what a barong is?- yes
Do you have a bunch of slippers for when you have guests?- no
Do u like to line dance?- some kind of a sort of
Do you have a family member that has a nicknamethat repeats itself?- yeah...
You own a karaoke system.- we own a magic sing...
You hang a rosary on your car's rear view mirror.- no
You turn around when someone says "Psst!"- yah
Were most of the questions asked were answeredwith "yes"?- no... yah eh... joke XD yes
===

2006-08-22T02:00:00.000+09:00

whAt iF yOuR cRuSh aSk yOu... sitwasyon: yung taong nagtatanong sayo aysupercrush mo.. anong sasabihin mo?

1. "is this seat taken?" no
2. "gs2 m b sumabay? sure
3. "may problema ako..." aww what's wrong?
4."lam mo ako na ata pinaka malungkot na tao sa mundo.." why??
5. "hey, i wz just curious why you were staring at me a while ago.." and what makes you think that?
6."may boyfriend/girlfriend k n b?" nope!
7. "grabe ang sweet mo talaga! sana ikaw nalang minahal ko.." thank you (OUCH)
8. "pwede m b ko tulungan kung pano ako mapapansin ni.. " go up to her and say hi (sakit ah.)
9."grabe naiinlove na ata ako kay..." [hindi ikaw] okay~ (oh.)
1o "karapat dapat ba sya para sakin?" [mabait yung girl/guy and mahal ng crush mo] dunno (hinde)

sakit nito ah lol

2006-08-22T01:59:00.000+09:00

a random quiz

1. What do you think about posers/fakers?--> i pity them *sigh*
2. Do you have them?--> what~!? oh yeah >_>
3. if yes, how do you feel?--> pissed because in whatever she does, my name will always be involved >_>
4. how many accounts do you have?--> 1 friendster, 1 PC, 1FC, 1 GC, 1WTF, 1YM, 1MSN, 1Photobucket, 1TDP, 1AtW
5.How often are you on the computer?:--> often~
6. Do you have your own computer?:--> yes
7. Do you have friends?:--> yeah
8. How many?:--> a lot...
9.What makes you sad?:--> problems...
10. do your tears leave stains:--> sometimes
11. ever lost control:--> yup >_<
12. feel as everyone is talking behind your back:--> yes... sometimes
13. loved sumone who hated you:--> no... other way around
14.Would you prefer to have a shorter life with no chance of healht issues?:--> longer life
15. What is your sexual orientation?:--> straight
16. close your eyes & tell me what color you see.:--> black and yellow o.O
17. do you love stuff, what do you love:--> a lot
18. Do you have any piercings?:--> yup
19. Any tattoos?:--> nah
20. if so where, if not why?:--> coz... i dunno... magsasawa rin ako eh
21. What do you think of tattoos?:--> astig... for a while
22. What do you think of piercings?:--> okay
23.What do you think of Paris and Nicole?:--> they're so stupid its funny
24. Are you preppy?:--> NO
25. Punk?:--> err... hm... maybe
26. Cute?:--> no
27. sexy?:--> so they say
28. Stylish?:--> nah
29.Loner?:--> by habit, yes
30. Stoner?:--> hell no
31. Skater?:--> before
32. rich?:--> no
33. surfer?:--> nope

2006-08-22T01:53:00.000+09:00

nakakatuwa to.. lagi ko nlang sinasagutan to.. Message: >>>>Can you name 13 of ur friends thatu can think of right off the top of your head. Don'tread the questions underneath until you write thenames of all 13 people. This is a lot funnier if youactually randomly list the names first. NoCheating!!!
1. pat2. myk3. khal4. chris5. jc6. hugz7. eula8. celine9. shirley10. abigail11. sims12. inkie13. andie
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> How did you meet 10?- in school... we were classmates
> What would you do if you had never met 2?- i dont know lol
> What would you do if 6 and 10 dated?- OMG~
> Have you ever seen 4 cry?- no
> Do you think 10 is cute?- errr... in a friend's way... sure
> How did you get to know 8?- school also
> Would you ever go on a date with number 12?- NO... no offense, inkz
> What's 7's Favorite color?- blue~
> What would you do if 6 confessed they lovedyou?- uhhh mommeeeeee
> Fact about 9:- mi loco amiga
> Who is 4 going out with?- tams?
> who is number 5 to you?- friend
> Would you ever live with 13?-no
> Is 1 single?- yes~
> Where does 7 live?- sucat
> What do you think about 3?- he's cool
> What's the best thing about number 8?- i talk to her about anything
> What do you like about number 11?- my best friend since before
> Favorite Memory with 2?- when i watch him play guitarfreaks or drummania XD

2006-08-22T01:52:00.000+09:00

crush/love/relationship survey

1. single or taken? - single
2.Do you have a crush on anyone? - yup
3. Does he know? - yup
4. Do you flirt a lot? - dunno
5. Who was your best relationship with? - TIIS... SSB... NBSB member ako ^_^
6. Do cheaters deserve a 2nd chance? - hm. dunno.
7. Serious or Fun-loving? - both
8. Humor or Romance? - both
9. Dark or light hair? - dark hair
10.Shorter or taller than you? - slightly taller
11. Do you kiss strangers? - no
12. Do you hug strangers? - no
13.How long was your longest relationship? - as i said... TIIS, SSB, NBSB member here
14. Do you believe in kissing when you are not together yet? - if i said no, i would be a hypocrite. it depends on the person.
15. Do you think about the opposite sex a lot? - sometimes, yeah.
16. Have you ever slept at a friend of the opposite sex's house? - no... di ako pinapayagan
17. Do you tell your friends they are hot? - if need be
18. Would you rather have a sweet, clever guy/girl or a wild one? - sweet clever guy...
19. Have you ever liked someone a lot (and they knew it) who didn't like you back? - oh yeah... T_T
20. Do you feel comfortable with joking with your friends who are the opposite sex? - yeah... halos lahat ng best friends ko lalaki eh.
21.Chocolates or flowers? - both lol
22. Have you ever been in the friends-with-benefits situation? - hm. i don't know.
23. Teddy Bear or Card? - teddy bear :x
24. Would it be sweet or annoying if someone of the opposite sex called just to say hi? - depends who's calling
25. Ever felt like your Girlfriend/boyfriend didn't like you? - as i said... never had a bf.
26. Ever been cheated on? - never had a bf...
27. Ever done the cheating? - look up.
28. Ever cried over a break up? - never had a bf...
29. Ever kissed or hugged your girlfriend/boyfriend in front of a teacher and got in trouble? - nope
30. Do you believe in miracles? - yes
31. Is it easy for you to get over people who were special to you? - no
32. Have you ever made a birthday wish or blew on a dandelion on a relationship? - huh?
33. Have you ever had a broken heart? - yeah.

how very sad... LOL

2006-08-21T04:39:00.000+09:00

100 questions. answers.
001: full Name: Marie Josyn Brillantes Palma
002.Nickname: Jo, Joe, MJ, gothloli
003. inlove or not: yes XD
004. Zodiac Sign: aries
005. Male or Female: female
006.Age: 16
007. Birthday: March 31, 1990
008. How many buddies on your list: err specify please...
009. Screenname: gothloli06 or goth_chid06
010. Hair Color: black-brown
012. Height: 5'1" and a half
014. Eye Color: black-brown
015. Are you health freak: err NO
016. Weight: 95 or something. yeah, im underweight
017. Do you have a crush on someone: yes.
018. Do you likeyourself: depends on the day. right now, im pretty okay with myself.
019. Braces: used to
020. Think your awesome: No
021. Piercings: one on each ear.
022.Tattoo: henna? before
023. Righty or Lefty: right, though im practicing on my left
___Your 'Firsts'___
024. Surgery: none, and hopefully never
025.First piercing: when i was 2
026. First best friend: simonette artadi-crisologo XD
027. FirstAward: certificate at pre-school
028. First Sport You Joined: swimming club in the 3rd grade
029. First pet: dog. i had one before i was born
030.First vacation: dont know T_T
031. First crush: i refuse to answer! no, i just don't know who.
032. First love: not telling LOL
___Favorites___
033. Favorite movie: pirates of the carribean? lord of the rings? The fast and the furious: TOKYO DRIFT!
034. Favorite tv show: Rozen Maiden Series
035. Color: black, blue, silver, red, white
036.Music: Jrock, JPop, rock
039. Drink: Orange juice, gatorade, water
040. Part of the face on a boy/girl: eyes
041. Cartoon character: Suigin Tou from Rozen Maiden
042.Favorite artist: dunno
043. Perfume: dunno
044. FavoriteFood: Japanese ramen~
045.Favorite School: none
046. Favorite Animal(s): cat
047. Favorite Book: too many
048. FavoriteMagazines: i dont have one
___Currently___
049. Eating: hmm... i ate crackers :D
050. I'm drinking: gatorade
052. I'm about to: go to Denny's for lunch XD
053. Listening to: my dad's bar music
055. Waiting For: my time to come
056. Watching: nothing
057. Wearing: jeans, roxy long-sleeved shirt, socks, bracelet, bangle, choker, cross necklace
___Your Future___
058. Want Kids: someday
059. Want to Get Married: yes, to the right person
060. Careers in Mind: diplomat, hopefully
__Which is better with the Opposite Gender__
068. Lips or Eyes: eyes
069. Hugs or Kisses: friends: hugs special someone: both
070. Shorter or Taller: slightly taller
072. Romantic or Spontaneous: a mix of both
073.Arms or Stomach: arms
074.Sensitive or Loud: a mix of both
075. Hook-up or Relationship: relationship
076. Sweet or Caring: both
077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant: both~
___Have you ever___
078. Kissed a Stranger: NO
079. Drank bubbles: err... ._.
080. Kissed your crush: yeah
081. Ran Away From Home: almost
082. Broken a bone: nope
083. Got an X-ray: nope
084. Broken Someone's Heart: apparently i did.
086. Turned Someone Down: yeah.
087. Cried When Someone Died: yeah
088. Cried at school: yeah >_<
___Do You Believe In__
089. God: Yes
090. Miracles: yes
091.Love at first sight: err... no
093. Aliens: yup
094.Magic: no. magick, yes
095. Heaven: hai
096. Santa Claus: before
097. Sex on the first date: NO
098.Kissing on the First Date: maybe. i dont know. i dont think so. hm. let me think about that.
099. Angels: yes *love*
___Truthfully___
100. Is There someone Yu Want To be with youright now? Yes.

homesick

2006-08-21T02:59:00.000+09:00

i am really homesick.
i am sick.
i miss the uk group...
i dreamt of them last night.
talked to Lisa C. over phone and Alex over MSN a while ago... *sigh*
i went to the fiesta yesterday... and it was there that i got so depressed.
looking around me, i could see mostly Filipinos of pure blood. children and adults, all of them were from the same race as i. but where were we? we're in a different country. the children dont know how to speak their native tongue. even the host couldnt speak tagalog and ended up butchering the celebratory greetings.
the fiesta was also very different. americanized.
*sigh*
it wasnt like the fiestas back home... everything was held inside the reception hall of St. Anne's parish. at home it's all in the streets, right? all festive and a time to party. they dont know how its held, i guess.
but im thankful that they do celebrate their heritage. even if they dont speak the language.
==
well, im getting better now. have to go shopping~~
i need shoes T_T
i talked to some friends back home. how i miss them.
culture ev was fun, apparently. that's good~! ^_^
congrats to all organizers~
anyway yeah.
see ya.

kanae

2006-08-20T05:34:00.000+09:00

the fatigue of the GYLC has finally caught up with me.
i nearly collapsed from exhaustion last night. i just had to hide it since we were having dinner with Rick and Pon last night. >_<
im feeling better now though, so it's okay. there's a fiesta later, but i really don't want to go. im still very very tired...
*sigh*
i'm also very very homesick.
i want to go home, to lie in my own bed, to wander around the familiar streets, to see familiar faces. i want to see all my friends. Lord knows i miss them so.
Pat.
Myk.
K.
Ken.
Marie.
Jansen.
i just want to go home.

kanae

2006-08-19T02:23:00.000+09:00

well! it was interesting...
i miss my UK group already...
22 all in all, with Miss Allison Kole as our FA.
Shirley- Peru/Miami, Florida, USA
Lisa C.- Fresno, California, USA (originally China)
Alexander- High Wycombe, Great Britain
Nathan- Houston, Texas
Kelley- Athens, Greece
Lisa M.- Rhode Island, USA
Stephanie- New Jersey, USA
Peter Z.- Botswana
Peter B.- Carribean
Andrew- Trinidad&Tobago
Kimberly- Trinidad&Tobago
LingYi Sun- Shanghai, China
Beatriz- Panama
Paulina- Mexico
David- Rome, Italy
Jacob- Rome, Italy
Craig- Zimbabwe
Angela- Botswana
Pooja- New York,USA (originally India)
Marc- Seattle, USA
Michaella- France (originally Madagascar)
Jo- Paranaque, Philippines

i really miss them. it was interesting being with all of them and learning about their different cultures. Alex is hilarious in his British way. i met a bunch of people outside my group too so that was fun.

James McMeekin- High Wycombe, Great Britain
Ben- High Wycombe, Great Britain
Paul- Great Britain
Nicole- Seattle, USA
Caitlin- Oxnard, California, USA
Ji Young Kim- Toronto, Canada (originally South Korea)
Dorothy- Mandaluyong, Philippines (!!)
Angela Soto- Mexico
Chibwe- Sapporo, Japan (originally Zambia)
Malik- Beirut, Lebanon
Andrea- St. Luis, Missouri, USA
Jeovitha- Toronto, Canada (originally India)

its very interesting meeting them.
i went dancing in my Chong Sam during the cruise. o.O wow. LOL
it was fun meeting Doray. we were both soo homesick! i wonder if she's home yet. it took me almost a week to find out about her, though i had been searching for another Filipino delegate the whole time. well guess what. she was room 503 at the Sheraton. i was room 501. jeez~
it was weird also, since i met Caitlin not during the GYLC. we met at the airport. we were on the same bus, at the same airport, on the same flight. and we didnt see each other until boarding time in Houston, during the stop-over to LA/Oakland. wow.
i had fun talking to her, though. she's really nice ^_^
im talking to Lisa C. right now. i miss her T_T
wah.
i miss everyone.
even those i wasnt close to.
sure, Manhattan College sucked (food was great, though) and Sheraton was okay, and we are all still suffering from MAJOR sleep deprivation, it was a lot of fun.
grrr my bags got lost too.
i was so ready to kill someone. sunabi was out on the loose.
we kept thinking,
"Do not start with me. You will not win."
just like those shirts in NY. LOL
bought manga too XD
it was so fun... all the memories...
i love my chong sam XD
im still pretty homesick though. i miss the GYLC, i miss home. *sob*
damn. i wanna see them all...
i was in Houston and i was like "Ooooh~ Nathan lives here! Where is he?"
damn.
i thought i saw Lisa, David and Alex there too. sadly, no. i wanted to cry. it was only there that it hit me that i am probably never going to see them again for another... 5, 10 years at least. if we're lucky. *sigh*
oh well... i hope we all keep in touch.
and i will annoy all of them >:)
yeah.
culture evolution over at the Phils.
damn i am missing so much.
*sigh*
see ya guys
i miss K.
i miss Pat.
i miss Myk.
i miss Chris.
i miss the LGM

Kanae

2006-08-16T21:42:00.000+09:00

im in NY and i have a meeting so ill make this quick.
i miss my friends.
i dont like this place
i hate parties here
i find everything so pointless
and i am returning to full goth mode.
yeah!~
and i have to eat breakfast soon.
just grab an apple then run to the 11th floor, i guess...
cruise later.
everything's over tomorrow.
bye.

Kanae

2006-08-12T06:49:00.000+09:00

i am here in washington DC right now using the internet which my friend is paying for but which she is using on my laptop. get it? i don't think so. LOL
she's Peruvian. kewl. LOL
and ive met a bunch of people, had to pay for freaking expensive internet and i am going crazy! there's only one other Filipina here, and sad to say, no japanese kids. darn.
i bought Manga!! i have Death Note 1,3,4, now and im going to get 5 and 6 when i head of to NY tomorrow. can't wait.
so far our week's been really busy; get up at 6-7 am then end at 10pm. lights out (daw) at 11. the whole day is usually full of walking if we're out, or meetings if we're in.
the sheraton's food is... well... eww.
we're off to Manhattan college, NY tomorrow, so hopefully food and internet conditions will be better there. sad to say however, living conditions will not.
as Allison (our FA) said,
"it's pretty good there... just like...hm... Jail."
us: O.O hwaaaaaaaaaaat~?
she's pretty funny, allison.
i hang around with Shirley a lot here, and my roommates are an NY-grown indian girl named Pooja and a Canadian-grown Korean named Ji Young Kim. LOL~
that was the name of a Korean who used to go to my school. im pretty sure it's not her though.
we're going to have dinner soon; Shirley and i are splitting on Pizza. yum.
so there, ya.
that's been my week.
so see ya next week, hopefully ^____^
my USB port is CRAP by the way.
anyway
Ja~
love,

Kanae

PS.
I MISS YOU GUYS A LOT.

ewan

2006-08-06T01:23:00.000+09:00

listening to: Hero- Arashi, Half-Pain- Bana, Cosmos no Saku Goro- Buzy, Venus Say- Buzy, Kagami no Naka- can/goo, Hitotsu=Unmei no Kyodatai- can/goo, Kimi ga Iru- Chemistry, Wings of Words- Chemisty, Fukai Mori- Do As Infinity, Aozora no Namida- Hitomi Takahashi
mood: blank, slightly depressed

let's see.
went to Hot Topic again yesterday, saw Ragdoll and Flowergirl (Precious Miseries) dolls but wasnt able to buy them coz dad said they looked like voodoo dolls. >_< dammit! i bought a blouse instead. it's punky so i like it.
dad wants me to stop wearing black. oh joy. >_< at least i've defined EGL to him so hopefully he wont tell me to stop dressing in EGL fashion or Harajuku styles.
i've got a bunch of outfits now; can't wait to wear them at home. ^_^
i was really homesick last night. Mom, Anton and Mike called to say hi, and after i put down the phone, i wanted to cry. thank goodness i was talking to Ate Shorty, Ate Anjelle and Yoru-kun then. if i wasnt, then i would have lost my sanity and cried. i don't know why i was so homesick. they're in Corregidor right now. hope they're having fun.
i wonder how the EBs went... there was one in Mega for WTF?! and one in SM North Edsa for PC. i miss everyone really badly.
i'm done packing already for my trip to Washington, New York and San Francisco. I have so much clothes!! i dont even know if my suitcase will stay under the 70 pound limit. @_@ i didn't know i bought that much stuff here...
i want to cosplay Tetsuya Ogawa so badly!! rrrr... asar!
i have opinions now for my Precious Miseries cosplay.
Goth and Glaive seem to be in the lead with three points each, followed by Lolita, Jester and Albino, then Heartbreaker and Prom Queen. everyone says Goth best suits me. why, thank you! i love her. ^_^ i find Lolita and Jester absolutely adorable though! i already have a catwalk idea for Lolita. just follow the host around... LOL
hey, that's what she does.
i want to order that Alice Ever Falling book already!! I just can't seem to get the idea out to my dad. asar.
Dad wants me to take Business as a course in college. what!? i can't do that... im not even taking business in my IB! if everyone wants Andrea to take nursing, in my case, everyone wants me to take business.
i don't want to! i have a mind for business, sure, but i can't stand numbers at all! >_< but sadly, i am considering it. a double degree in Business and Japanese language? not bad, i guess.
at least then i have two options.
i hate thinking about the future, mainly because i know nothing really awaits me there. i just want to enjoy now. the past holds nothing for me; the future is always uncertain. i just like being in the present. i never want to move. it may seem selfish, but i've been scarred too many times to care. i don't like uncertainties. i wish everything were as it seemed, but i know that's too much to ask.
I'm a little Alice in Wonderland.
i always was terrified of that book. i hated the movie; it scared me as a child. until now i still don't like it. i think it's because i saw through all the color and fake smiles of the movie and instead saw the illogic, the uncertainties, the helplessness of the little girl lost in a world that was not her own, and saw myself in her. as a child i knew the world was not the happy place they always tell you in storybooks; i knew of the pains of the world too. i knew fairytales never came true, but i liked to dream on anyway. until now i dream of worlds like those in the movies, where everything you wanted could come true, that you could be free, that you could be a princess if you tried. but still it discourages me because i know that you can't. no matter how hard you try the world isnt going to change; everyone will remain the same. no matter what. and that really depresses me.
they say i put the troubles of the world on my shoulders. so i do. i think about the other's suffering and not just my own. i don't mind if i'm in pain, i just don't want the ones that i love to feel or know it. i havent killed myself, i havent physically scarred myself for that reason. i don't want anyone else to see when im in pain, because then they will worry and be in pain too. i hate that. to be the cause of my loved ones' tears or pain is what i am most afraid of. i hope i never am...
im off to Washington DC later and i wont have any internet. when i do get on the internet im pretty sure it will be very short. i'll miss talking to my friends... i'll miss talking to him. i have to check time differences so i can time OL schedules if i can. hopefully i can catch them.
dad wants me to stop going on the internet for extended periods at a time. he says im becoming addicted to ot; that my whole life revolves around the computer. what!? it's only here in LA that ive been on the computer for a long time. know why?! because i cant relate with anything here. Andrea watches TV while talking to her friends, Dad, tita Leila and tito George all talk about the stock market or Rod Stewart (well, that was last night's conversation). i have no interest in the stock market or Rod Stewart. plus im dreadfully homesick. that's why i stay infront of the computer... because i want to talk to them again. that's all.
i know my friends are not the only people in this world. of course. there are 6-7Billion people out there. 8million live in the Philippines alone. 1million in Manila. well, i really have no interest in meeting them. the reason i love my friends so is because i feel that at least i can be myself with them, and that they understand who i am. Sofia has been my friend for four years now. i've met so many people through her.
and besides, it's not as if they're my only friends. i have other friends too, but it's different when you're with your barkada, with the people you really share the same interests with, the people you really trust. i find it hard to trust people and to find interest in them. that's why i only keep a small circle of friends close to me. mom and dad dont understand that. i wish they would.
i like being alone. they have a weird child. sorry. ive been scarred enough, i don't want to risk it again.
*sigh*
oh well...
maybe they'll think about it while im gone. im growing up. let me grow. i don't want to remain like Jun Sakurada in Rozen Maiden: unable to grow.
he was being stunted by his sickness, i am being stunted by their protection.
things im bringing to the GYLC:
clothes,
Shiroi,
Myk's drumsticks,
bracelets from Kuya Lyron
bangles
money
other misc stuff

i wear Kuya Ly's bracelets everyday here. it reminds me of home. i wish i brought the white thing too. darn. michael asked me where i got the bracelets, and when i told him that it was from Kuya Ly, he started saying that Kuya might like me. haha... no. kuya ko yun! lol.
waah i miss everyone again.
wish me luck in Washington and New York.
i'll try to update whenever possible.
ja~

Kanae

2006-08-05T04:11:00.000+09:00

hm...
i woke up late today.woke up at 6am and missed my conference with Ate Ceravi and the Sakura Wars team. whoops.
but then, i did have a nice chat with K and Chris and them.
shopping later, and hopefully then i can order my Alice Ever Falling book.
wondering...
what to buy, what to buy...
still waiting.
you know what i mean?

Kanae

Gothic Lolita Diary

MOVING

ZOMG.

A Dying Melody

Welcome to Wonderland!

my prom. my funeral.

new year, new life?

year end and year start.

Merry Christmas

random blurbs

I is here... do you mind?

why do i adore mello?

Happy Third Monthsary!

EK triiiip!

Aftiel has taken over!!! *BOOM*

...

AME aftermath

Justine San Lorenzo

okasan e.

NightmaRe- SNoW

of hanging off poles and bowling in the library.

random blurbs

Leaves shaking; lets follow I'm staying here with you Angel...

Back.

I mark my return. Sage Crane is now present.

of Swimming, Pokefests, Turkey and Late Nights Out

wheee blogging again!

The Death of the Fallen Angels

The MUNA

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KHALLAENE! XD <3

ahhh school... my hell.

i feel USELESS and STUPID

one day at a time.

happy halloween, children.

Lu:na

EB. Khallaene. <3

Lonely In Gorgeous

Brain: Neuraly Atrophied. Life: Entropied.

Omoide

Ongaku Fusion and my exhaustion

meeting.

Happy Monthsary XD

tired...Welcome to my life, Peachy ^_^

gr.

I believe in GOD. cant say the same of the Church

EB and Abigail

Sorry...

Sorry.

Warning Shot

in school

cagayan and manila

happy?

thoughts.

a weird mix of hyperness, hapiness and sleepy-ness

thoughtful

school.

senti mode?

weird

crazy

Suicide Seasons

Waiting for My Dark Angel

Back to Reality. why?

Growing up and the recent scandal.

homesick

ewan

Aftiel has taken over!!! BOOM